Thursday, May 10, 2012

A Formal Complaint about Spots

I am forty seven and I still suffer from spots. Please don't leave this page though; I am not that revolting. Just you know - a tiny bit. I haven't got big boils under the armpits or anything like that - and I'm not infectious. Facetious - yes. Infectious - no. Anyway, these accursed spots really annoy me, especially when I look at my friends' faces and I don't ever see them with any spots. Not that I wish spots upon them - but it would make my life more bearable if every now and then one of them got some huge pus infected monster that required a javelin to lance.

Hmm at this point, Dear Readers, as I was writing I Googled "Big Boils" on Google Images and got some fascinating pictures. The ones of actual boils made me want to throw up so I'll spare you that horror - and the rest were really quite bizarre and included: a man holding a fish, a hotpot (stew), the equipment for making home brew, a lemur wearing a bracelet on its head and a picture of George Bush. Now I get the George Bush picture but the others? What the hell were the tag lines?

I was just casting out my line when a huge boil erupted....

I was just adding the hops to the barrel and felt my face explode into a massive boil....

I was just adding the vegetables to the hotpot when I saw my reflection in the stainless steel container . I thought the contours of my face had been distorted by the curves of the pot until I realised my chin had developed a boil so so enormous it looked like Mount Etna...

I like to dress my pet lemur with jewellery. Oh and by the way he gets massive boils on his bum... (I don't know your guess is as good as mine on that one.....)

Yeah, so spots. It is categorically unfair that the lovely Mrs T should get spots! At forty seven I should be looking smart, sophisticated and super attractive but not so. All I need now is to develop a hunchback and I will be well on my way to acquiring a disabled parking space. Actually, I could really do with one of those as I can never get a space at our local hospital. Oh - apart from the time I pretended I had a bad leg and limped across the car park in front of the CCTV cameras. Which wasn't really my fault as they make you pay on entry and it was the only space left. What was I supposed to do? I asked Master Sam to pretend to have a limp as he was the one who was temporarily disabled (well his nose was) but he refused point blank...

Anyway, to get back to spots I tell you what annoys me even more then having spots is all the spot creams on the market that do not work. I particularly detest the ones that says they "visibly reduce spots in 4 hours" which is complete utter rubbish - I've tried them all. How the companies involved manage to get away with those statements completely baffles me - I can only surmise that the creams have been simultaneously tested with hair growth preparations on a sample group of bald gorillas and not your average woman or pubescent teenager.

Oh, I also hate those spots that never erupt but lie under the skin rumbling away so half your face swells up and you look like you've got mumps. And what's worse if you get one of those on the side of your nose you can end up looking like Karl Malden. Not that I have any of those of course.......

(Picks up a mirror, a large needle and takes aim......)

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