Yep, today is my last day of freedom as it is the day every mother who still has her marbles hates - the day school breaks up! Is there sunshine? Am I sunbathing in the garden? No, cos there's a thunderstorm and torrential rain. Yep, that's British weather for you - almost as reliable as our transport system.
So, wanting to make the most of my day, I decided to go to the swimming pool this morning and indulge myself in some quality quiet time where I could slip into my fantasy world. Yeah, you know the one folks - the one about men in skimpy undies rescuing me from a shoal of marauding piranhas. But it was not to be because when I got to the pool half of it had been roped of for one of those stomach churning, vomit in throat and heart attack inducing events....
No, not the over 70's swimwear competition but....
The Mother and Toddler session.
Oh my God, all that noise and screeching, and singing. It's unbearable!
" The tails on the fish go swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish..."
NO THEY DON'T! DON'T, DON'T
Look, even the most stupid child knows there are no fish in the pool and anyway most of them have that look of endurance on their faces that says;
"What's this water stuff? I just want to my suck my dummy and pull daddy's beard."
And it ain't gurgles of delight they're making - that noise in the throat is called "partial drowning."
Anyway, I endured 50 minutes of earache and then I could stand no more of that singing. I was ready to throttle all the adults (obviously all first time parents) who haven't yet learnt that they can do the same thing by sticking their kid in the bath at home at no expense and therefore not annoy poor innocent folks like me who have done their duty and now require some quality down time.
And I just want to ask a question. Am I the only one who believes that those water proof swim wear nappies don't work?? Look, it's not that I don't like babies but I've had 3 boys; I've seen what can escape even from a deluxe, bomb proof, shock proof, titanium lined nappy when faced with an explosive bottom.
And it ain't pretty.
And I don't fancy it coming my way when I'm hurtling down the pool trying to outpace Mark Spitz. A mouthful of that stuff or snorting it up my nostrils would be worse than attending another school fete. And that's saying something.
Anyway, there's nothing worse than adults pretending to be children. Or children pretending to be adults ( Remember George Bush? Point proven.) Yep, I can see it now.... all sweetness and light in the swimming pool ...
"La, la, la, splashy splashy. Mummy wummy swimmy wimmy with baby waby, la la la"
But then the true personality emerges later in the car......
"Right go to sleep now you little ****** you've had your swim! I want a kip when we get home because you've selfishly been keeping me up in the night. Anybody would think I was your slave!"
Anyway, just to top it all, I got out the pool and guess what? The jacuzzi isn't working.
I ask you what's a girl gotta do to have some fun?
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