Thursday, July 16, 2009

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane!

Gosh, can you believe it but this year I will be travelling abroad for the first time since 1973!

Of course back then I was barely out of my nappies (ho hum) but I still remember the signifcant points - the rooftop swimming pool, the attractive waiter who kept tickling my feet when he delivered the morning croissants, my little red suitcase (which I've still got), eating soul (the fish) almost every evening, pulling the emergency cord in the bathroom cos I thought it was the light switch and when the air hostess asked my nan if she wanted any toilette water piping up "Pooh, that must stink!"

Yep, the sense of humour hasn't got any better.

Anyway, before I carry on something completely random has just popped into my mind -Apparently Brad Pitt has been dispensing his wisdom on internet dating. Now I don't want to be rude - but I'm a little sceptical that Brad has had a lot of experience in internet dating. Cos his advice is bonkers;

"Everyone lies online. In fact, readers expect you to lie. If you don't, they'll think you make less than you actually do. So the only way to tell the truth is to lie."

( By the way Brad's talking about income - just in case you thought he was talking about flatulence.)

Now, I don't know about you but I smell something funny in the air! Is that some sort of double bluff ? Boy, I'm so confused! Anyway it leaves me with a problem - cos I earn nothing which means I must be hideously unattractive to the opposite sex and I'm just no good at lying even on the net. I mean when have I ever lied to you folks? You know I always tell the truth. ( Okay that's a double bluff which means I'm actually telling a lie but you know it's a lie -so therefore it must be the truth!)

Hmm.... maybe this Brad thing actually works. I think I'm getting the hang of it! Well I think so... So in order for men to find me attractive I have to tell them I look like Demi Moore, have an arse like Jennifer Lopez, legs like Steffi Graf and a sense of humour like Joan Rivers and then they'll believe me right? Right??

Hmm, maybe not the legs then? Perhaps the face?

Maybe on the humor bit then? But funnier?? Oh come on...say "Yes!" I ain't got much else going for me, make an old girl feel happy will you?

Right, where was I? Ah yes, just filling in this internet dating form...

Name; A n g e l i n a J o l i e

Oh alright, I'll finish it later...

By the way before I continue, ( sorry, I've got distracted again) I just want to dispense some advice;

It is not a good idea to paint the gates on your property the colour green. This is because some people will think the gates are actually grass and will reverse into them.

Now make of that what you will. Genuine advice or not?? Leave me a comment - the correct and/ or most funniest answer gets access to my private blog. ( How I caught Brad (by His Balls) by A. Jolie Housewife.)

Right, back to the holiday stuff. Anyway, I'm so excited to be going abroad this year! Especially as yesterday my passport arrived and I was sort of expecting it to be declined. How so? Isn't Mrs T the genuine article? Is she a fake? Is she really Angelina Jolie masquerading as a dowdy downtrodden housewife? Maybe she is neither! Maybe she is actually a completely fabricated ruse by the secret service in order to create mayhem and disorder in the home counties by hatching a plot to raise an army of housewives, march on Westminster, overthrow Gordon Brown and restore order and stability to the country!

Or maybe Mrs T just had a memory problem when she went for her interview?

Maybe Mrs T couldn't remember her mobile telephone number.

Maybe Mrs T couldn't remember her mother's place of birth.

Maybe Mrs T couldn't remember the age of her witness.

Maybe Mrs T confidently replied she had NOT received her documents back but on her return home discovered they had in fact arrived and that her beloved had filed them away without notifying his wife.

And

Maybe Mrs T's teenage son, who was in the next compartment, was confidently forgetting just about everything he ever knew - including how to write his signature.

Hmm. I'm thinking that the folks at the passport office thought it was a double bluff and therefore I must be the genuine Mrs T ! It's the only reason that explains why, as yet, I haven't been carted away by MI5 to one of those dark lonely rooms where hooded men with stockings over their heads torture you with images of iced buns and chocolate eclairs until you surrender all your intimate details.

Damn, foiled again.

Anyway I'm off on my hols but not just yet. You've got to suffer me a few weeks longer! In the meantine I've got some packing to do.

Oh yes, and a bit of form fillling and then I'm off......

12 comments:

  1. Okay, now I'm really confused. Are you telling the truth or just pulling my leg? And why would I want access to your private blog... Nevermind. So Miss Jolie, when will you be leaving on your trip? We'll need to see photos of course to prove that you were actually away. And tell us - are you responsible for another little boo boo? Did you back into someone's green fence?

    Funny post....

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  2. Have a good break. Just remember those few pounds you didn't lose before you put on the bikini just gives you more value for money in that there's more to bring back tanned ;)

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  3. On the letters page of the Telegraph today, some chappie has discovered that there is no legal basis for passports. He apparently put it to the test by leaving, or arriving (he didn't say which), with two utility bills, his driving licence, his National Insurance papers etc etc and was waved through. (Picture the scene: worthy of a Mrs T 'vignette' I feel ...)

    But in your case, Mrs T, they have obviously fast-tracked your application - even though you feigned ignorance of your life - because Gordon Brown is THAT worried about the mayhem you might create if you stay. Tee hee!

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  4. Now Mr I,

    Am I pulling your leg about what?! Being me? Or someone else?! Oh God it's all so confusing; I don't know who am I, where I live, my telephone number - and the damn menopause hasn't even started yet! What hope is there left for me?! In a few years time I will bonkers and barren, oh woe, woe, woe.....

    Well Miss Jolie (Hmm...I like that!) may well some post some piccys in due course:)

    What green gate was that? I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. I deny everything, I am completely innocent!!

    Roxy,

    Whhhhhatt is this scandalous implication that the lovely Miss Jolie can't lose a few stone - um pounds - before her hols?! What an outrageous statement!

    And before you ask - I am not posting before and after shots of my arse!

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  5. Moi? Cause mayhem Mrs B? You know that cannot be true as I am as pure and innocent as the driven snow!

    Who is this fella that got through customs? He should be shot for using his intiative - doesn't he know that's not allowed anymore!

    Only one more day Mrs B - and then the real mayhem starts- Pass me the sherry will you I need to drown my sorrows!

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  6. Okay...did I miss something, or did you forget to mention whereabouts on this polluted marble you're tracing off to?

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  7. It's Cyprus Georgie. We've had such miserable summers the last few years here (as I write there's a thunderstorm and torrential rain)I really wanted to go somewhere hot so it felt like a real holiday where the boys can just play on the beach and swim without worrying about the next downpour and how to entertain them! I'm hoping that amongst the fun I'll get to see a bit of culture too - I get bored just lying around. Although if it's not cold and the view is interesting I might feel better about it:)

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  8. Hope it's sunny and bright enough so all of you get tanned (lost pounds or not) and that you there is enough sherry/ouzo/whatever tipple so that you have a rollicking holiday.
    So is the back of the car stained green from reversing into make believe grass?

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  9. Thanks for those good wishes Sue. A few more weeks to go yet before major panic sets in!

    Now about the car .... put it this way; I'm glad I don't drive a white car:)

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