Friday, July 24, 2009

Drunken Ramblings

Well I should be doing some proper writing for The View from Here this evening while the gentlemen of the house are watching Barcelona v Tottenham (which of course means absolute joy for a man and absolute boredom for a woman.)

Why oh why does the football season have to last soooo000000 long? It is bad enough having to endure 22 grown men kicking a ball around a field all year but us ladies also have to put up with Gary Linekar masquerading as a TV presenter and making insightful comments like "That was a good pass" or " He saved that well." Excellent. Truly excellent.

Hmm... I seem to remember Gary saying years ago that he didn't do a lot of headers because of the potential damage to the brain. Now I know why.... when you've only got a few brain cells it's a good idea to preserve them. Oh well at least he's pleasant to look at.

Hmm... well anyway I think Gary said that. On the other hand maybe he didn't.

Perhaps I should point out that I've consumed some rather nice alcohol and some chocolate this evening. This means I am not responsible for spelling mistakes, grammatical errors or indeed anything that maybe considered vaguely slanderous.

Hmm... maybe I should say that the lovely Gary is actually extremely knowledgeable about balls, even though he no longer plays with them. Indeed, he also talks balls very well. Like most men. (Except, of course, the discerning male readers of this site who are obviously extremely clever, witty, good looking and super cool dudes)

Right, where was I on this drunken ramble?

Um.... well what do you think of my new page design? Do you like my legs? Do you know, it took me absolutely ages to find those shoes and photograph my legs at that angle.

The things I suffer for my art. Ho hum. In fact, I once also suffered a boyfriend who modelled himself on Bryan Ferry... but God is that a loooong story. All I can say is that I hope he's graduated to Head "n" Shoulders now. Of course, I wasn't really suffering for art then - I was just suffering. That's what happens when your fella grows a moustache, buys a dirty raincoat and mimes Slave to Love in the mirror.

Of course then I married the Good Mr T. Little did I know that he would turn out to model himself on Mrs Beeton.

Still, you can't win 'em all. Although once would be good. Just one big win on the lottery. That's all I'm asking! I'm not greedy; just one teensy weensy win of about 10 million bucks would do. I mean that's not asking much is it? And I promise to give loads away to charity. In fact I'd probably set up my own charity for deprived housewives. Maybe I could sell condiments like Paul Newman? Mrs T's Mayo has a nice ring to it. Although, come to think of it, Mrs T's Tantalizing Truffles has an even better ring to it. Maybe I could become a charitable chocolatier and go around dispensing chocolate to the poor and needy?

Gez, that wine's taking effect. Still, when I say I've got a headache at least it'll be genuine; I'm just absolutely no good at lying. In fact when Mr T noticed the green paint on the back of my car do you think I lied? Do you think I told him someone reversed into me or that my car had been attacked by a horde of marauding 3 year olds wielding green wax crayons? No, no, no! I did what any sensible woman does.

I feigned deafness.

And when the question was repeated I put on that look that says " I have no idea what you are talking about" and diverted the subject onto a male topic. Football.

Excellent subversive tactics; as you can see I neither confirmed or denied that my car was in an altercation with an abysmally parked green gate. Anyway, some people are so selfish leaving their gates hanging around just where they like. There ought to be a law against it.

Right, time to crash out.

And no one split on me about the boyfriend thing. Ta. I don't want to get in trouble.

Ps No one mention the gate thing either.


  1. Your secrets are safe with me. great ramblings and nice legs, what more can one ask for?

  2. Well from my point of view.... A man who hates football and owns a chocolate factory.

    Gez, I screwed up - big time.

  3. I think her shoes look too big.

    And is she bursting to go to the loo or why else is she standing like that?

  4. What's this about a gate? Were you wearing these ridiculous shoes whilst driving? (I know you wear them on the school run but, really, you must get some sensible driving shoes - then people won't leave gates around ...) Er, where was I? Another glass should do it. Hic.

  5. Trust you Miss Hyde to notice the little details! It's the overall effect I'm looking for - besides they only had those shoes in size 6what was I supposed to do?

    And that's my normal stance as you well know.It's either that or the Tena Ladies.

  6. Yes, yes I admit Mrs B I was wearing though shoes. Those heels are not good for driving in - but you know they are extrordinarily good for spiking litter. Yesterday I speared 3 crisp bags, an empty packet of cigareetes and a dead hedgehog. It won't be long before I get an MBE for services to the environment.

    Have you been drinking again Mrs B? Shame, shame on you. You'll never catch me do that:)

  7. And hearts on red shoes no less! Wow Mrs. T. them shoes on them legs, wow again!!
    About that green paint on the back of your car, maybe you could create a pretty picture of flowers/balls/wine bottles, whatever with a stencil and green spray paint??
    Oh and hope you're over your headache now.

  8. I hate football (except we call it soccer here, to distinguish it from footy, which is really Australian Rules Football, and a cross between rugby, soccer and an all-out brawl...) and I once owned a bar of chocolate. Does that count?

  9. Ah yes Sue, what an extrordinarily good idea stencilling some patterns on my car! Hum, I'm thinking it might be also be a good idea to do some shapes in red, blue, black and maybe silver..cos well you never know what's around the corner.

    The head is (temporarily) clear!


    Oh well I suppose I could make do with second best.... You do still smell of the choclolate though don't you? Cos somethings I just won't compromise on!

  10. I declare, the things I learn on your blog. Mrs Beeton??? Was she required study when you were growing up? :) Oh well, I leave for a few days and here you are talking about men and their habits. And oh yes, chocolate. I have a deal for you. :)

  11. Ah Good Morrow Mr I!

    Now it will come as no surprise to you that when the options came at school I choose to give up Domestic Science and Needlework and concentrate on the academic subjects. The cookery lessons I gave up - well for obvious reasons - and as for the needlework. Umm....well I distinctly remember making a hessian bag and, having made the final stitch, leaping on my feet and crying joyously "I've finished!" (Due to my slightly lagging behind the more able students...)

    However, this proved somewhat embarassing as to my horror (and everyone else's amusement) I discovered the bag was attached to my skirt which I had unwittedly (or stupidly) sewn it........

    Now what's this deal? Sounds interesting! (I trust that you don't want me to hem your trousers though.....)


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