Thursday, March 13, 2008

Mrs T's Birthday Present has finally arrived. Yippee!

Well, I know you’ve all been sitting on the edge of your seats wondering what the Good Mr Turley has bought his beloved for her birthday. Now I’d like to say I was sitting on the edge of my seat too but alas that’s not possible; my bottom is just too big.

Well here it is… the present is… a…. satellite navigation system.

Yes, that’s right; a satellite navigation system. Apparently when we were in the traffic queue there was one on the dashboard of the car in front. Well, you know, I can’t say I noticed as I had my eyes focused on the road, two hands on the wheel and was concentrating on the business of driving at the time. Now, I always pretend to be concentrating when Mr Turley is in the passenger seat because he is a little “jumpy” when I drive. Which is really not fair because I’ve only had the one accident which you may recall was the other week when I reversed into a car. In my defence I have to say it would not have happened had not one car been illegally parked and obstructing my exit. I’m not going to mention the other wing mirror incident as I wasn’t to know the other car had wing mirrors was I? Aren’t they just optional extras?

Of course when Mr T is not in the passenger seat, I frequently drive with just one hand; this is because the other one is either unwrapping a bar of chocolate or winding the window down and yelling “What the hell do you think you’re doing, you’ve got 10 seconds to get out of my way or I’m coming to get you!”

Anyhow, back to the satellite navigation system. Well now I can heave a huge sigh of relief because, at last, I will be able to find my away around town without getting lost. Yes for years and years I have not been able to find Tescos, The Bank, or indeed The School. Indeed, I’ve rarely made it to school for the last twelve years and I’ve just been driving around and around in circles all day. In fact, I’ve been educating the boys in the back of the car whilst I’ve been driving and I can assure you they know the difference between their left and their right and what “Oh God it’s a one way system” means. (Deep shit)

So at last I’ll be able to do all those things that other mothers do! Hurrah! Of course, first I’ll have to work out how the Sat Nav actually works. Obviously I could read the manual but that’s a man thing in isn’t it? Oh how they love to be absorbed in a technical gadget manual for hours and hours until they’ve studied every minute detail. Where’s the fun in that? I like to work it out all by myself. It only took me about any hour yesterday to figure out that;

1. It won’t stick to the dashboard. Nope definitely not. It’s got some suction thingy on the holder with a clasp thingy that moves. But it definitely wouldn’t stick to the dashboard even when I threatened it with a) painful and merciless dissection and b) chewing gum.

2. It will stick to the rear view mirror… but then I couldn’t see anything behind me; probably not a wise idea as I have “delicate” manner of braking.

3. It would stick to the windscreen. For about 30 seconds and then it fell off… about 20 times because I just had to make absolutely sure…

4. It would stick on the panel in front of the speedometer but then I wouldn’t be able to see how fast I was going…..and Mr Turley would be most cross if I got a speed ticket…especially if I got one before him; he keeps trying but they don’t issue many for travelling at 30 MPH.( I’m not saying he’s slow but last time he drove us to town I took a packed lunch.)

Well finally after much huffing, puffing and cursing I managed to work out that if I did just the right thing to the suction thing in a sort of thingy manner you could stick it to glass but definitely not to the dashboard. I’ve now placed it on the driver’s right window in the corner where I can see it easily and it does not obstruct my sight. It does, however, prevent me from winding down the window….

Of course now I’ve got it to stay put I actually have to figure out how to use it… I tried for a while yesterday but then boredom set in so in the end I decided to just press “Home” for the preset destination Mr Turley had set for me. Can anyone tell me why it said “Make a U turn you are on the wrong road to The Channel Tunnel”?

On the subject of Instruction Booklets; why is that men spend hours reading ones for electrical gadgets but when it comes to DIY leaflets and self build furniture like that stuff from IKEA they barely even glanced at it? Have you noticed these leaflets usually give an approximate completion time? For example “This wardrobe will take about 1 hour to build” Strangely enough, 24 hours later he’s still at it and after you’ve discovered he’s lost several screws, broken a panel and you’ve supplied endless cups of coffee, headache tablets and you’ve filed for divorce he realises that maybe he should have the damned instructions…..

(Oh when I say “he” I mean that in a purely generic fashion as Mr Turley is obviously supreme at DIY.)

Sorry, I had a bit of a choking problem for a moment. Well yes, to be fair to Mr T he is quite handy with his screwdriver but unfortunately not so good with blunt instruments.

Now where was I? Ah yes DIY and cars. Well sad news folks, I no longer have my Volvo. The Old Dear was proving vastly uneconomical and had to be replaced by a more practical Ford CMAX with a diesel engine as Mrs Turley actually does a lot of driving (and I suppose one day that satellite navigation system might come in handy.)

Obviously, it’s been a bit of an inconvenience to have my tannoy system and missile launcher remounted but I did strike lucky as the garage mechanic took a fancy to me and fitted a machine gun and some spiky wheel scythes aka James Bond free of charge! So The Blue Volvo has finally been replaced by The CMAX. It has rather a nice ring to it doesn’t it? And guess what?... I’ve already got a little Renault Clio sticker on the side! I feel confident I can out number The Red Baron by the end of the year…

Anyhow friends I must go and tend to my housewifery duties and on a serious note Mrs T has fallen behind with her novel which she must finish this year so if I am not around so much or drop in as frequently as I have done do not be alarmed and I will drop by as often as often as I can…

Toodle pips for now….

© Jane Turley 2008


  1. I am just commenting, so you keep writing. No hurry to answer. I am so thrilled to read that it is not only I that has had the sticky problem. I even tried driving with it in my lap. Extremely dangerous, with one's eyes in one's lap. I can get mine to stick for about an hour on the front window, but it just falls off. Now, she (the box thingy voice) is stuffed in the glove compartment. I hear her every once in a while. "Make a U-turn...make a u-turn...make a u-turn". She is obviously revengeful, and wishes my destruction.

  2. Congrats! I got a GPS system for Christmas and it's an absolute lifesaver. Plus, I have a horrible reputation for getting lost all the time so it's nice that no one can no longer call me this horrible name - "Michael U-ee" for making U-turns all the time (my last name is Louie) - go figure.

    I find that I, too, cannot easily place the GPS device in my car in some convenient place. So I have to rely on the audio voice to tell me where to go. It's not the best way to go about, but it does help. Plus, the GPS device has a nice womanly voice but I refuse to engage in a relationship with something that shouts out blunt commands (thank God my wife doesn't treat me that way).

    Hope you're enjoying your latest vehicle. It's never too late to modify it with the appropriate weapons and chocolate-smuggling compartments. :)

  3. So you got a new car And that thingy that helps you find your way home? Lucky you!Congratulations.

    "the garage mechanic took a fancy to me and fitted a machine gun and some spiky wheel scythes aka James Bond free of charge!"

    Did you tell him you were expecting Pierce to use the car someday?

  4. I refuse to get a GPS. I am a man. I dont want to ask directions or be told. I like getting lost on my own!

    Or alternatively, I really want one, but drive less then 5 miles to work and it is all in a straight line. And I dont drive any further so therefore I cant justify the fun of having one! Although, I have the Nokia N95 which has one built in so I still get to use one when walking along the street!

    If you want to sell me yours, I will happily buy it for a bar of chocolate...if you are interested! No? Ahhh come on... And no I wont just give you the chocolate. It is give and take Mrs T!

  5. As someone who get's lost navigating between his front door and the end of the fifteen foot long driveway.... I bought 'us' (read ME), a TomTom GPS which is made for my motorcycle AND the car a year ago.

    Best bit of kit I've ever bought, and I've recently added JOHN CLEESE as the voice, which is absolutely hysterical.

    I'd love that machine gun and spiky wheel thingies for my daily commute!

    New car..... I'm green with pleasant envy. Brilliant post by the way.

  6. Tamera; well obviously the suction of these things is some what lacking if this problem is so widespread. If only I could think up a remedy then I would make a fortune. Hmm ..let me think... well you know whenever I sit on one of those rounded plastic chairs my bottom seems to stick to it. In fact it's very embarrasing to have it removed at casualty, but perhaps a sticky problem to be with a fortutious outcome. worth investiagating...

    Mewie, now I can't believe a clever young man like yourself can get lost... throw away the GPS and use The Force Mewie.....

    Usha, Well the car is brand spanking new but new enough not to have all the hideously crippling repair bills for the volvo. I'm not expecting James BOnd to use my car; I was rather hoping to find Pierce and take him by surprise....

    Sy...hmm you offer in exchange sounds most promising...what EXACTLY are you offering in addition to the chocolate? Perhaps you'd like to be a little more descriptive Mrs T is very liberal minded......

    Floggie, Floogie, Floogie I am hideously green with envy! Why didn't Mr T get me a Tom Tom? I am from Weston Super Mare and Mr Cleese is a favourite! Oh, the fun I shall miss out doing reruns of Fawlty Towers in the car! Blast and double blast.

    I shall be trying the GPS out again this morning on my way to an unknown football destination, I'll let you know if it works and now to find those shin pads....OH, if only Mrs T was more organized... but she isn't and never will be....

  7. mrsT,
    i hear these GPS gadgets are all the rage! and all the shiny new stuff on the new car sounds so macho--for want of a better word:)

  8. Well I dunno. There are so many things out there that it would be hard to list them all. What is high on your "I want this" list these days?

    Oh and where the hell are you! I see more of the shy neighbourhood squirrel then I do of your posts these days!

  9. Now Master Sy, Mrs T has been exceptionally busy with all her charitable writings and is this very moment working on another footie report and then has a tennis report to write by Tuesday. And then there is the matter of her novel....

    Hmm, what do I want? Uh hum... that would be telling.... tee hee...

  10. Well, as often is the case, it appears that I am several days late and a rather large chunk of change short...but happy belated birthday! Now, I do not have the honors of owning my very own GPS, however, I do know the (now extremely wealthy) owners/pioneers of Garmin, the GPS people. They have been close family friends since long before the success of this handy little navigation invention they happened to think up one day. I really should have taken my friendship with the son (we're exactly the same age) to the next level.
    After all, my husband doesn't even own "a" GPS, let alone own GPS. Hindsight, I tell ya!

    Very funny post, btw. I am relieved that you will be making the local trips in considerably less time. You can now discontinue depleting the ozone from driving in circles!

  11. For many years--before my dear wife passed on to the hereafter--I had the best navo system on earth: her.

    She always rode shotgun, in the passeger's seat, and urged me on with such inspirational phrases as, "Turn here, Dummy." "Jack, you jerk, you missed another exit." "I thought the lead was in your butt; but, now you're trying to prove to me that it's shifted to your right foot; slow down, will you."

    Many times I thought she was getting too bossy, and even threated to remove the shot gun from her lap. But, overall, I reconsidered, and backed off. I concluded that it was a first rate asset to have a living navigation system, with an uncanny sense of direction, being my navigational salvation, and sitting right next to me, always ready, willing and able to offer up such invigorating and elevating words of encouragement.

  12. You know Jack, you've got style!

    I'm seeing you as sort of a John Wayne figure....

    Can ya make a nice circle with dem dare caravans?

    And more importantly do you think it would be effective enough to keep the taxman out?!

    Your wife sounds like she was a woman after my own heart. Must have been quite a lady to keep you and your magnum under control!


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