Thursday, March 6, 2008

General Inane Waffle.


Now before I get down to the very serious matter of proper blogging later in the day I must first recount a little true story from yesterday morning....

Mrs Turley is waking up slowly in her cosy bed ready for yet another arduous day at the kitchen sink when she feels Mr Turley's hand upon her arse and his dulcet tones in her ear....

"Happy Birthday Mrs T."

Silence.

Mrs Turley replies;

"It's my Birthday TOMORROW."

Silence.

Hand slowly withdraws.

Now really... wouldn't you expect The Veritable Mr Turley to remember after nearly 17 years of marriage that my birthday is the 6th and not the 5th? Still, he has informed me this morning "that a package will be arriving sometime in the next three or four days."

Hmm... there's nothing like forward planning is there? It had better be a good prezzie or he'll be in deep trouble I can tell you ( possibly involving a damp tea towel.)

Now how old is Mrs T today? To help you work it out here's a mathematical formula;

100-60 + ½ + 79⅓ -153% x [a- b+ 7 kilos Galaxy chocolate – half a banana + ab- c} x 3c -78% - ½ x ⅔ +
⅛ - ⅝ x 61⅞ -⅓ ≠ <100>12.5 % √ 40 ∑ 11≤ 2234 ≥ ↕ 56 x ½ sausage ♂ + 3 children ∑ 1 husband x sheer bloody exhaustion x 44.7≈ 2 = ♂ 67⅓ x 0.0000001 x 3.14 = ??

Answers on a sympathy card please.

Now I'm feeling really daring and for the first time known to man I am posting a piccy of myself from about 2 years ago. I would like to point out that;


1) I was having a bad hair day.

2) I was having a bad face day.

3) I'd forgotten to put my anti wrinkle cream
on for the 2000 consecutive day. Damn.

4) The strained look on my face was due to the constipation I had been suffering from at the time.

5) The sun was also in my eyes which accounts for the excessive amount of wrinkles in that area.

6) I've since had my teeth whitened; it didn't work.

7) I can't remember why I was bending over but as Pierce Brosnan is not standing behind me I don't think it was for any interesting reason.

8)That is my "Sporty Spice" look. Usually I'm a model of sophistication and glamour with a touch of Joan Collins thrown in for good measure.

9) It's possible I may have put on a kilo or two since this piccy was taken; the sun was still shining then... now we regularly suffer from eclipses.

10) I'm saving up for plastic surgery and liposuction and any contributions will be greatly received. Please address cheques to the " Save The Whale Foundation."

Now before I toodle off to read some blogs and scribe another of mine own later I just wanted to give you an update on Luke Warmwater. Well, he is a particularly fine young washing machine with smooth contours which are silken to touch and most appealing to the eye. He washes perfectly and his spinning is smooth and quiet. In fact… rather too quiet. My dearly beloved Zanussi, being of an archaic and wonky disposition, did vibrate somewhat violently when on the spin cycle. Why it jumped so fervently across the room that it was often necessary for me to sit upon it in order to pacify it. Indeed it was sometimes necessary for me to sit upon my Zanussi for a whole hour at a time…….

Oh yes one more thing, my friend Fordfocusmum (one of these days I'll work out how to do that link thingy) who has the gross misfortune of standing at the school gates with me has drawn to my attention that a comment she left on my blog did not appear last week. Fordfocusmum was most perturbed and wondered what had happened. Had her remark that I was a fat, lazy, good for nothing, self indulgent egotist with pompous aspirations of bionic supremacy, a desire to have my own chocolate factory, take over the world and introduce compulsory silly hats and red noses for all politicians offended me in some way? The answer is no! It takes a lot to offend Mrs Turley who is of a jovial disposition and so if any of you Dear Readers also suffered the same experience Mrs Turley assures you it must have been a technical hitch (or possibly gross incompetency on my part.) So please keep commenting as MrsTurley loves to chat and be distracted from all those boring household chores....

© Jane Turley 2008



20 comments:

  1. OK. So I have spent the last 25 hungover as all hell minutes looking at the formula to work out your age. Your a giraffe aren't you. I noticed that in the

    "+ ab- c} x 3c -78% - ½ x ⅔ +
    ⅛ - ⅝ x 61⅞"

    part that there is also a chemical formula hidden in there which is a mapping to your DNA. I reversed this map, and hey. Part giraffe.

    Well, I hope you have a wonderful birthday and spend your day looking above the tree's. There is a cocoa field beyond they way there they are building a chocolate factory. Charlie is already there, but then that is because he is a stuck up little brat no matter what the book says.

    Happy Birthday Mrs T. I hope the present in 3 weeks is a great one. Maybe 2 tickets to Cadbury world? 1 ticket for you and 1 ticket for you to go at a later time.

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  2. Now Mrs T has just returned from school with Master Jacob who has stomach ache. Hmm...the day isn't working out quite as planned.Still for the moment he seems to be happy playing on the other computer.Hurrah!

    Now Sy ... well I am deeply flattered; part giraffe eh? I think you've got it wrong though...part Hippo maybe; I definately don't have long gangly legs.

    2 tickets to Cadbury's World would be a dream come true..I could throw myself into the chocolate vat and slurp till my heart's content....

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  3. Well that will have put a spanner in the works on you laying in a bath of melted chocolate for the day won't it.

    I think that they should make a very chocolatey chocolate bar in your name. Call it the "Mrs Turley Slurpy" or something. Although I am pretty sure that is going to end up with people thinking it is something totally different. But hey! We know what it is!

    So what plans for your day now Master T is home from school?

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  4. Well obviously being a dutiful mother.. I'm going to try and ignore Master Jacob as much as possible until such time as he throws up on my laptop. Whereupon he will be banished to his bedroom with a sick bucket and a glass of cold water.

    Yes, I rather like the idea of my own chocolate bar. The Curly Turley? Turley's Delight? The Turley Teaser? Kinda like that last one.. hints at a mouthful of unexpected Eastern promises....

    It's 2pm and I haven't cleaned up the breakfast dishes...oh dear... at 3pm it's off to school again for Master Benedict and then not returning till 7pm.

    Which means......just another ordinary day in the Turley Household. Boo Hoo.

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  5. I feel your pain. I am on night shifts tonight. I have been awake since about 10 this morning so am going to be dead in the water by 7am tomorrow when I drive home after shift!

    Hmmm. The Turley Teaser does indeed give the impression of a little something extra per mouthful.

    So Mr Turley will not be cooking you dinner tonight then?

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  6. There is less chance of Mr Turley cooking the tea tonight than there is of me cleaning up the breakfast dishes by 3pm.

    What time is it? 2.40pm.

    Damn. Failed again.

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  7. Brilliant! Happy Birthday Jane! Nice to see your face. I've been looking in that toilet for a very long time now. I fed-exed you a Texan steak for your birthday. a 12 ouncer. Let me know when it arrives!

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  8. well the mathematical formula totally baffles me Mrs. T, but the pic is nice--truly, and those earrings you're wearing, wow!(perfect for chance meetings with Pierce Brosnan).

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  9. Jane my best wishes to you for a very happy birthday and a wonderful year ahead - let it be a never ending bar of your favorite chocolate.
    You look lovely - just the kind of sweet face that goes with a blog like this.
    The Curly Turley? Turley's Delight? The Turley Teaser?
    Please send me a kilo of each as sample and then let us take a poll.

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  10. Well, this is a surprise! I was not expecting to dabble on my PC again till much later but Master Benedict has done nothing but complain about his stomach aching whilst on the way to his tennis lesson. Coincidence? Now Master Benedict does possess extraordinary acting talents and by the time I'd endured 20 mins of him pretending to retch uncontollably it was time for me to turn back home; he is now upstairs with Master Jacob looking remarkably perky.Hmmm... either my cooking was even worse than normal last night or they have concocted a cunning plan between them. Still, I have a little plan myself...since they are both soooo poorly I don't think they will be requiring any tea.... What say you to that? Ho hum... rather a nice plan indeed....

    Tamera.. I look forward to receiving that steak; I'm rather partial to the odd piece of meat. (Mr Turley's not bad either.)
    Hey, and what's wrong with my toliet? It's a first class flush I'll have you know.

    Sue; but that's just a simple mathematical formula! How can you not understand it? It simplifies as 40 (and a few extra).
    I'm rather fond of those earrings. Now to be fair to Mr T who has yet to stump up any gift (which does happen ocasionally) when he does stump up one it is usually something pretty good. The earring were a gift from Mr T himself in one of his more endearing moods.

    Usha.. hmmm maybe we should have a poll on a name for a new chocolate bar... that's given me an idea....

    Thanks for the Birthday Wishes everyone!!

    .. And since I'm home early I'm going to have a glass of wine while I conjure up some delightful culinary delight for Mr T... wine(well my partaking of it) is obviously the kiss of death for any meal I cook but it's my birthday so who cares!

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  11. My best wishes to you Mrs. T. on the anniversary of the occasion of your birth.

    Jane, you look about 30..you twit and about a size 8 (U. S. size 8 as I can never remember if yours are larger are smaller than ours).

    Don't waste your time on Pierce when you have the likes of Daniel Craig and Clive Owen. After all Pierce is getting a bit long in tooth.

    I am taking a break from washing up yesterday's dishes so I need to go.

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  12. Thanks O...but that picture was taken over 2 yeras ago and things aren't looking quite so good now!

    Yes, I admit Daniel Craig and Clive owen are pretty "hot" but Pierce has got the "it" factor. It's something in the eyes that says "Come hither Mrs Turley, come hither." Know what I mean?

    Although on second thoughts Daniel Criags speedos have a similar effect...

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  13. So glad I haven't offended you and, may I say?, that is one great-looking formula. Have you sent it to Stephen Hawking??? (Assuming you have forgotten how young you are.) Can you do one for how much longer I will be chained to the kitchen sink if child A is age X and child B age Y??

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  14. Happy 25th birthday, Mrs. Turley! :P Pierce Brosnan is simply too old for you. Why not settle for someone more in tune with your youth?

    HILARIOUS move by Mr. Turley. I shall learn from his dire mistake so I can escape the wrath of my wife. Her birthday in May is on the sixth too, NOT the 5th. Be sure to thank Mr. Turley for teaching me the wiser path.

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  15. I came from Sy's to wish you a happy Birthday. So "Happy Birthday. :)

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  16. Fordfocusmum; so glad you've reappeared. Of course I wouldn't be offended by all those vile and wretched things you said. As you know I am a sweet natured gal who is not at all mercenary.

    I haven't sent the formula to Mr Hawking yet; I fear it maybe too complicated for him as I am such a mathmatical genius. I'm not interested in Space either (although I need a lot of it.) In fact I am shortly to have a new book published entitled of my own mathematical formulas. It's called;

    "Half a 3.14 is only a Fraction of the Calories of a Whole and Pretty Unsatisfying."

    Now your algebriac equation is a simple one Fordfocusmum;

    If child A is age X years and child B is Y years the amount of time spent at the kitchen sink =

    A whole bloody lifetime.

    The length of the lifetime may be reduced by certain other factors such as;
    a) repeated over indulgence in chocolate
    b) a dodgy knee causing you to not partake in healthy exercise.
    c) The number of children; 2 children reduces life expectancy by 10 years; 3 qualifies you for imminent heart attack status.

    Ps; any chance of some baby sitting?

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  17. Mewie; a gold star! You have guessed correctly; I am indeed only 25. Your powers of perception and solving mathematical equations are enormous!

    Well yes, Pierce is knocking it up a bit now. Perhaps I should look for someone closer to my own. What do you think about 27? I'm open to offers.....

    Rose; welcome to The Wayward Wife and thank you for taking the trouble to come over from Young Master Sy's Hamster Appreciation Site. Thank you also for the birthday greetings which are gratefully received!

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  18. I had too much sherry on Thursday; did I really post that picture? Cripes; early dementia is setting in.

    The good news Mrs A who lives down the street didn't even recognise the picture as me!

    Well, I did say I might have put on a few kilos....

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  19. Jane, I'm slowly working my way through your posts. So - Happy Belated Birthday. Please come out and visit next year. We'll celbrate your Birthday in a royal way. By the way, when you and the family visit, will you be wearing the same attire as in your photo? Just curious (laughing). And just to let you know, I was pretty good at math at one time so I figured out your age right away. You're just a tad bit younger or older than me... Lastly, Mr. T did not forget when your birtday was, he just forgot that this was a leap year. Thus the early wish! I'll have to think up something nice to get you for your special day! Enjoy!

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  20. Now look 'ere Intrepid what's wrong with my clothes? Are you after a hiding? Right, bend over now I'm gonna gave you a right good thrashing!!

    THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!

    Hmm that's feels a lot better. Boy does that wet teatowel come in handy. Now just you rememeber us girls are VERY sensitive to criticism of our clothes and in my case my current inability to fit into any of them...except those kaftan things. But you know they have have their uses at times, at least we won't need a new tent if we take the kids caming this summer.

    So you reckon you know how old I am eh? Give or take a year or two? Why, how reassuring you being in the financial industry; I can picture you now at the Stock Exchange.... looking all manly, jacket on, tie loose, hair dishevelled, a little trickle of sweat on the forehead...Oo I'm coming over all excited... and there you are.....

    .... counting your losses.

    You'll guess will have to be more accurate!

    Now what's your prezzie? Mrs T loves prezzies! (No foot spas please; I ain't that old.)

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I am always delighted to receive comments!