Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Where's Mrs T's Birthday Present?

I’m not sitting on the floor. Hooray! Now you may wonder why I should be celebrating this fact. This is because twice a week this is what I usually do for an hour and a half while Master Benedict has his tennis lessons. Oh, the indignity of it all; a woman of my advanced years forced to sit on the floor because of the overcrowding at the Tennis Centre. But today I have a seat. There was one left, just suitable for a fat bottomed lady who looked like she might be preggers…and that of course was me. Of course since my gut has expanded a number of people have mistakenly thought I am pregnant. The last time I was in the mobile library and the gentleman driver piped up;

“I suppose you’ll be wanting a girl this time.”

“Nope,” I replied. “I’m just fat.”

Now I’m not saying he was embarrassed but it was so hot in the van the sprinkler system came on. I wasn’t embarrassed though; I’ve got used to people looking at my tummy and wondering whether an alien is going to burst forth from my stomach like it did from John Hurt’s.

Anyway I have breaking news… I have new iron! Well, I offered to purchase the new iron for Mr Turley but he opted to buy one himself. Oh how disappointed I was; thwarted in my plans to reinstate a new pink iron.

But can you imagine my utter horror when… Mr Turley brings home a LILAC coloured iron. LILA
C?? What has come over him? Buying himself a lilac iron is just downright worrying. What will he do next? Buy a checked pinafore? Or some oven gloves decorated with daisies? Perhaps some woolly slippers with pink fur and ribbons on? Oh no, no, no! What is happening to the man I married?

Can it be that he is turning into a HOUSEWIFE???

Tonight Readers I am going to check he has not developed man breasts. I hope not or all my worst dreams will be coming true…

Also, despite Mr Turley’s reassurances I AM STILL WAITING FOR BIRTHDAY PRESENT. I’m becoming increasingly despondent. Perhaps the Good Mr Turley doesn’t love me anymore. Perhaps he has a found a slimmer, younger woman with a pert bottom who actually likes cooking. He has assured me he hasn’t (although not for want of trying) and he has given me some hints what my prezzie might be;

1. It's not jewellery. (Blast; my preferred choice after chocolate.)
2. It’s not chocolate. (Oh the absolute rotter; fancy denying me the ultimate pleasure.)
3. It’s not underwear. (Thank goodness, they’re sick of me at the Marks and Spencer’s Returns Counter.)

Now I’ve demanded a PROPER clue and here’s how Mr Turley began our conversation…

“On Saturday when we were coming back from tennis and we were in the traffic queue at the junction by the railway bridge….”

“Yeeessssss?” interrupts Mrs Turley rapidly loosing interest.

“…You could see one then...”

“Lovely darling, I look forward to the high speed train running through the back garden,” replies Mrs Turley.

“It’s not a train.” Flinch of annoyance crosses Mr Turley’s face

“It’s an anorak and a Guide to Train Spotting by B. O. Ring?”


“A pedestrian crossing?” (Mrs Turley is now on a wind-up mission.)


“Traffic lights?”


“Two rubbish bins and a telephone booth?”

“Look, do you want it or not?”

“Depends what it is Mr Turley.”

“I’m not telling you what it is.”

“Well how do I know if I want it or not?”

“I’m sure you’ll love it.”

“It’s a new car! I knew it! I knew it! A Mercedes?”

“It’s not a car.”

“Yes it is!”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, it is!”

“No, it isn’t.”

"Yes, it is!"


“It is a new car, isn’t it?”

“This may well be your last Birthday.”


Well there you go; I still haven’t got a present and I may soon be dead. Humph.

So on what may be my final, final note and continuing on the picture analysis theme. Please give me your reactions to the picture below. Again, please feel free to be as descriptive as you wish.
(By the way I always look as seductive as Nigella when I'm washing the greens; it's my dressing gown that does it.)

I will of course be performing in depth psycho analysis for any of you who care to leave comments.
© Jane Turley 2008


  1. You are getting a necklace. Simple as that. He is telling you that it isnt because he wants to put you off of the trail. Actually, I think it may actually be a chocolate necklace. With little chocolate cars on it.

    Now. The picture. What do I see. I see a woman who wishes she could cook like me. A woman who wishes if she was a man could be me. A woman who needs to take her meds and get back to being normal.

    I am still better then blokey though. You just have to admit this and get it out of your system.

  2. Well my worry is that sink. I'm really not sure about those sinks where the worktop goes right over the edge of the sink like that - isn't it just going to be a breeding ground for germs and mould in the crack there?

    Also my further comment on your last blog has failed to appear - I merely wish to register its missing status.

  3. Well, this is worrying indeed Mrs A;Fordfocusmum had a similar problem too. And Mrs T herself also wrote on another blog last week and her comments failed to appear. (However, this could be because they were extraordinarily silly and had been moderated...so she is not inclined to raise the matter.) It seems blogger has the occasional booby day. I hope it does not become too frequent as would be a pity to miss out on some jovial banter.

    You are right to be concerned about that sink Mrs A.... but it is soooo refreshing that Nigella has sub standard workmen is it not? For surely that gap cannot be intentional? Why I would refuse to eat in her house knowing my salad had been washed in such a germ infested area. Oh, how incrediably distasteful!

    But Mrs A.... are you feeling unwell this morning? I fear you have not been vitrolic enough on the subject of Dear Nigella. Come, come, do pour forth so I may enlighten you with my wisdom....

  4. A chocolate necklace? Why that sounds.. delicious. I could have a little bit of choccy any time or place I felt like it... although I feel it could be somewhat messy...

    But I fear it would be just too thoughtful of Mr T.. I am beginning to fear he has bought me a deluxe broom or indeed a limited edition dishcloth....

    Obviously Nigella is on her medication...it's called "Hard Cash" and it seems to be working rather well. I wish I had some then I could offer to pay for your pyschatric treatment Young Master Sy as you are still deluding yourself that you are more attractive than the debonair Pierce. It is just not possible and until you show me your gun I will not believe it.....

    Ah Onedia... I agree 100%. It is impossible to produce delicious home cooked meals when your mind is focused on something else..... Of course us PROPER housewifes,unlike these celebrity ones, never ever behave in such a manner and are entirely dedicated to the noble arts of cleaning and cooking.....

  5. Vitriolic? Nigella? What IS she about? She should be ashamed of herself ... All I can say is look at those tomatoes sitting under the draining shelf thingy. Well, the drips are going to land on the tomatoes, aren't they? Silly woman so busy mugging for the camera (is that a padded bra?) that she hasn't registered this basic 'what is wrong with this picture?' fact. Although I have to say my mind isn't always on such practicalities either ....

  6. Jane. Lilac reminds me a bit of lavender. Quite soothing and relaxing.

    I was wondering the other day if you had received your birthday package.

    My analysis of that image, is that it makes me want to puke! Get this woman a normal life, and normal reactions to meal-preparation, house-cleaning, and the likes. My husband tends to not want to be in the house when I clean, his ears hurt by my cussing. What's that she has in her hands? A primitive tool of some sort? Has she not heard of microwave? Geesh.

  7. I had a marvellously witty response to your brilliant post in my head as I scrolled down, laughing out loud.

    It was apt, succint, and hysterically funny and then I saw the photo of Nigella and went all flopsy bunny (not in ALL areas mind!), and came over all unnecessary with an attack of the male vapours, and completely forgot what it was that I should write.

    What was the post about again?


  8. Fordfocusmum...my mind is never on the practicalities...but one things for sure I never smile when I'm preparing food...grimace yes, smile no!

    Be nice if it was a padded bra but it could be better they could be silicone..or maybe two melons or even a couple of old cabbages...

  9. Tamera..Lilac is soothing and relaxing? Now I've always associated it with madness..this is because my English teacher told me so... we were studying The Wasteland...
    "April is the cruellest month, breeding Lilacs out of the dead land..." so Mr Thompson then waxed lyrical about lilacs, hyacinths, purple being the colour of madness.. and then said " Now, whose wearing purple?"

    Only Mrs T in her purple long sleeved blouse.

    (I was odd even back then) and so my reputation was formed... funny how the small things stick in your mind. It was a great poem too.

    Now where was I before I got stuck down memory lane? Ah yes... my B- day present has arrived! and I shall be blogging on this matter very soon. (But boy have I got a lot of work to do; a tedious report for the tennis club by the 18th so don't be surprised if I'm overly quite for a few days.)

    Now I am now quite confident that you are of sound mind Tamera.. a healthy reaction to Pierce and an even healthier one to Nigella. I particularly like the use of the word "puke" ...coming from the mouth of a sophisticated, learned lady such as yourself it gives it added emphasis. Excellent.

    Ok Floogie... I want you to close your eyes and imagine your are all cosy, wrapped up tight in a warm blanket and now... imagine I am standing behind you; I have a large bucket of water in my hand....and OOPS! it just happens to fall all over you.

    Shame, shame upon you Floogie Nigella is not a real women! Dribbling and slobbering over her cooking like a Great Dane... why it's as bad as laughing at your own joke (which obviously I never do.)
    All flopsy bunny? I can assure Nigella is not bunny orientated ... she just guts them and makes 'em into pies.
    Yes, that right.. she's heartless, cruel ... what you need is a lady who is an expert in the dishcloth department...Oh so many things you can do with a dishcloth...

    ... but this a family website I can't go into it.... although for a small fee...

  10. My friend reckons she must pin her cardigans to her dress...They never flap about like any normal person's cardigan...

  11. I noticed that the woman in red is not only seductive, but mysterious.

    Notice that she is hiding her left hand which would normally let others know if she is married or not. If she is, she's hiding the fact with a well-placed bowl. If she isn't, then you must wonder, "Why not? What is wrong with her?" :P

    Red is all about passion. It's also a sign of danger. Seductive woman in red = Mewie must run away.

  12. Since reading this post I havev honestly tried to get that damned woman out of my head..... No, no, not you JT!

    I know she is several classes above me, out of my league and wouldn't look twice at a man with a bank balance of £16.97 on a good day.... but gawd she's lovely!

    She's got me testosterrepherudes all of a jangle and my trouser region all of a quiver!

    I may have seek therapy for this, I may need to be nurtured off gazing at that womanly figure, those beautiful eyes, the gazes towards the camera that I know are for me alone. And apparently she cooks as well, which is nice!

    I may be some time away in rehab. It's JT's fault!

  13. Obssessed with Nigella and not Mrs T Floogie? Why that is a crime!How could you possibly resist the charms of my dishcloth for the charms of Nigella's puddings?(Although I admit her puddings are somewhat larger than mine.)

    Your trouser region is all of a quiver? Shame, shame upon you Floogie... you should store your Jelly Surprise in the fridge where it belongs and not keep seeking these cheap, unatural thrills that Nigella insists upon....

    Mrs A ... that cardigan remark is you! I know that wit when I hear it and it did make me laugh....

    Mewie... let me assure you Mrs T never wears red; she is a nuturing woman with a mother's bosom that should feel need to rest your head upon she will be most happy to oblige.....

    Now Mrs T is still a tad busy but she hopes to have a little free time later in the week when she will blogging again...

  14. Ah yes JT, but therein lies the truth of the matter.

    I am devoid of YOUR puddings of late, starved of my craving for your posts. Whereas Nigella is available at the flick of my wrist....ooooer!

    I'm waiting for my daily dose of JT.......

  15. Flick of the wrist eh? Why young(ish) man are you being saucy on Mrs T's blog? Disgusting! Immoral!

    I'll have you know that...

    it is much appreciated!!

    Craving for my posts eh? I like it!Maybe it's time for one soon.. there are so few hours in the day for me and I am so bogged down with all this other stuff. Now have you got a novel Floggie? I'll show you mine if you show me yours!


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