Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Mrs T is not Dead!

Yes, yes I am still alive. I am not dead! Although Mr T swears the lack of movement in my legs is actually first stage rigor mortis. (Humph, I think I’m gonna play dead next time he tries getting fruity just to make him eat his own words) Of course there are many, many people who would like me to be dead…but that’s another story which if I don’t get distracted I might embellish later.

Now Mr T would obviously like me to be dead because he would no longer have to endure my feeble attempts at cooking and he would also get a big payout from the insurance company which would enable him to hire a proper cleaner which for him would be sheer unadulterated bliss. Now I’m not saying Mr T is obsessed with cleaning, tidying and all things of a household nature but he’s rather partial to that film Sleeping with the Enemy, starring Julia Roberts in which the psychotic husband (Patrick Bergin) lines up all the jars, tins and towels in order. I’m rather partial to the film too but I can tell you this; it’s bloody cold in The English Channel at the moment and every time I chuck my wedding ring down the loo it keeps bobbing back up. (Yeah that’s what happens when your ring came out of a Christmas cracker.)

Of course the feeling is reciprocated because I would have an even BIGGER payout if Mr T was pushing up the daisies. Ho, ho, how delightful; what I could do with all that cash! Why I could;

1. Invest in some top of the range 100% recyclable, fully automated dishcloths.

2. Purchase a self cleaning and self emptying bin.

3. Hire a (very) personal trainer to reshape my body in to a model of womanly perfection. (I would of course require assistance with my press ups.)

4. Hire a personal masseur to soothe my weary (but cellulite free) limbs; I have a little problem with cramp in my thighs which requires some close attention. (Oh how terribly, terribly tedious but I feel I should at least look into the matter.)

5. Employ my own personal chauffeur to drive the young masters to their appointments in a big black Cadillac so I can get plastered by consuming the contents of the drinks cabinet whilst decadently reclining on the leather seats eating grapes and studying a copy of “How To Look Taller and Fail Miserably” by T Cruise. (Second Edition; the first edition was way too short.)

6. Hire a personal dresser. Now in the true tradition of makeover shows I would end up wearing more or less the same clothes as the presenter and not what suits me so I’d take the precautionary measure of not employing Vivienne Westwood. (Although to be honest I’m running out of dustbin liners so perhaps she might come with some hidden benefits.)

7. Recruit my own Chef. Now I quite fancy the idea of a bon-bon talking Frenchman but alas all those frogs legs, snails and horse burgers are not really my thing. (Nobody else’s either but you just can’t tell the French anything can you? Look, we told them the Germans would just go around the Maginot Line but they just wouldn’t listen and look what happened.) I wonder if Gordon Ramsey would work for me? Hmm, I feel it would be most enjoyable telling him to…….remove himself from my presence.

8. Secretly employ an assassin to “Take out” Mr Bush and Mr Brown. I will instruct the assassin to enter the White House dressed as a court jester. Mr Bush, who has as they say in the Britain has “A slate missing off the roof” will merely think he has seen his own reflection and when the assassin draws out his poison blowpipe disguised as a Jester’s stick it will be too late……

As for Mr Brown, the assassin, disguised as a chef trained by Gordon Ramsey, will seek employment at The House of Common’s Restaurant where he will serve up Mr Brown’s favourite Scottish meal of truly gross ingredients (haggis obviously.) Now that Mr Brown’s Official Taster (John Prescott) has been dispatched back to Loch Ness, Mr Brown will bite directly into that mouth watering animal stomach filled with delicious offal….and it will be too late… for it will have been cunningly contaminated with a vicious and deadly strain of BSE (Dolly The Sheep’s remains) so ensuring his slow and miserable decline. (Yeah, rather like the British economy…remember that gold bullion we used to have before Mr Brown SOLD IT when prices were really, really low…)

To the right is pictured John "Two Jags" Prescott; a slob amongst MPs. I'd like to say something nice about him but alas can't think of anything. However, I did ring him and ask for his advice on how to get paid a fortune for doing very little. Unfortunately, he couldn't answer because his mouth was full.

Now back to my list;

9. Fund my own Bond movie called On Mrs T’s Secret Service. As co producer and director I will re employ Pierce Brosnan as 007 and Daniel Craig as his sidekick 008. Sean Connery will appear as Pierce’s father 006. Regrettably Halle Berry who will be the mysterious and deadly Double Agent known as “The Housekeeper” will meet a tragic and unforeseen accident the day before shooting begins. The only woman agile enough and familiar with the array of deadly dishcloths, household sprays and aluminium saucepans that unscrew and reassemble as a sniper’s rifle will be Mrs T herself. Yes, regrettably I will have to step into Halle’s shoes and be forced to duel, wrestle and of course submit to the lovely Pierce before being trapped in an underground (bed) chamber …where there will be an almighty explosion thus saving the world from The Housekeeper’s evil and conniving employer Dr T who resides above in a dormant volcano……..

10. Find myself a toyboy who must be at least 5ft 8 and carry a loaded weapon. Early applicants are welcome. Please leave your full particulars and I will happy to audition you.

Now back to other matters.

Now I shouldn’t admit but Mrs T is a bit of a luvvie. When I was young I had theatrical aspirations but exchanged them for a tall, handsome guy and later 3 annoying kids. However, I still quite help myself from doing slightly madcap things (although fortunately they are becoming rarer) and getting myself into embarrassing situations. Indeed I often find myself in the kitchen, rolling pin in hand, talking to a lump of dough in the vein of William Shakespeare.

“To be or not to be a pie; whether tis nobler in the mouth to suffer the crusts and rims of outrageous carbonization…..”

Yes, it’s a sad world I live in, I know.

Anyway the other day I was having one of my flights of fancy during a tennis committee meeting, when tired of saying the same old thing, I decide to exit the meeting in a dramatic fashion. So in true thespian mode I theatrically swept my papers off the desk, grabbed my laptop and handbag and headed for the doorway, pulling the handle fervently in the style of Laurence Olivier…..

….but alas the door remains shut!

Unfortunately, the meeting place was also a children’s playgroup so a second handle had been placed at the top of the door.

Dramatic exit ruined! Mrs T foiled!

Dame Judy would not be impressed. In fact she might be so disappointed that she would decline her role as M in the next Bond movie and a suitable substitute would have to be found…….

Anyway I’m not that popular at the tennis club at the moment. Have you noticed in life how many people are resistant to change? Perhaps the source of a lot of conflict in the world. I prefer to move forward; it’s my policy and I’ve been steadily moving forward on those weighing scales for some time now. I wish I'd not bought talking ones though; being told to “•••• •••” is quite disheartening. (Particularly when the voice belongs to Gordon Ramsey.)

Now of all sports I’m rather fond of tennis which is one of my favourite alongside cricket, boxing (there’s something deeply satisfying about two grown men beating each other up isn’t there?) and Rugby. Of course cricket is much more civilized and requires less washing than rugby and indeed football. (Mind you those grass stains can be a real bugger.) I also prefer the more physical side of rugby than football; let’s face it football is for boys not men. Look at those supposedly grown men weeping and rolling around after a tiny little kick in the shins; what a bunch of girls. (To which I say…. Try having a hockey stick on the head mate; then you’ll know what really hurts or failing that, try giving birth without any painkillers.)

Here’s a rather interesting fact about Rugby which I’m sure most people aren’t aware of; Rugby originally started off as a round ball like a football and then one day when the ball was on the sidelines, along came a short, fat lady with large thighs. Suddenly sliding on the mud, she tripped over the hem of her rustling skirts and fell upon the ball….

And so the famous elongated rugby ball was made….

Yeah, my great, great grandmother was a remarkable woman. Later she became a suffragette; this was when she realised she wasn’t going to get paid for all that housework and couldn’t even vote for a pay rise.

Anyway folks I think I’m gonna have to leave you for the moment those little chaps are calling but I think I’m going to end on a reflective note for a change.

Last night I was travelling through the neighbouring village at dusk to pick up young Master Benedict from his karate lesson….

The sun is low on the horizon, the last few embers of sunlight fading in the deep blue of the early night. The air is warm and speaking of life, of nature. A local farmer is crossing the country lane with his cattle. It is a long time since I have witnessed this event and I watch, mesmerized, as these majestic beasts plod slowly in front of my car. Their black and white markings are still visible in the coming night, their udders already full and gently swaying and with their melancholic movement somehow they seem at one with this peaceful environment…….and then

….. I remember…

….Burning piles of cattle, feet upright in the night, smoke permeating the air, the stench of burning corpses and trenches dug deep…..

….I remember…

…. The cruel suffering inflicted on these beautiful beasts in recent years; BSE and Foot and Mouth have devastated entire herds…

…. I remember…

… How much I dislike the tasteless banality of Macdonald’s burgers…

Must we destroy everything we have in the pursuit of commerciality? Of economics? Of greed?

Nature is our mother and I fear that, as any good mother knows, there is a time to show the children who is boss.
And that time may be coming sooner than we think.

Copyright Jane Turley 2008


  1. GASP! You are soooo naughty! I particularly enjoyed your correct interpretation of Shakespeare's famous speech....LOL

    I would definitely audition but my weapon is only half cocked

    Nice to have you back, you brought a titter to me chops dear lady.

  2. yaay! Mrs. T breathes (yeah well, poor daisies, they'll have to make do with less healthy fertilisers). Mrs. T. I totally agree with you about Mother Nature. The only thing is it may be our grandkids who have to get the stuffing beaten out of them by Mother Nature, for our wicked, wanton ways!

  3. Right on, Mrs. T. Mother Nature is planning her revenge as we speak.

    Ah, nice to read an update!! I check in every day. Just in case. How's the novel coming along? And, what are you doing hanging around tennis snobs? Pfft.

  4. Brilliant stuff, Mrs T! I like the way you turn the banalities and hum-drum details of everyday life into something to laugh at. Just in case you don't write something for a while, where can I get an aluminium saucepan than can be re-assembled as a sniper's rifle? You don't see those in John Lewis ...

  5. Ah hello everyone thank you for leaving a comment; it is lovely to be back here in the blogging world and hear all your cheery voices! Gosh I don't know what came over me posting something a little serious to end on; obviously the chocolate withdrawal symtoms are kicking in....

    Hello Onedia my blogging friend so good tohear your voise too!

    Floogie; I'm an old(er) woman now I will be happy to audtion you even though your weapon is half cocked. I know a few tricks that will make it fire at point blank range.

    Hillgrandmum; hello, hello, hello!
    I just hope that when that day comes I will already be dead and buried; nothing upsets me more than the suffering of children.

    Ah Tamera, you are most welcome as always. The novel is still suffering from the lack of time..soon I will have to make even harder prority decisions... possibly involving reducing my tennis committments! Right about tennis snobs...which is why this country can't produce decent players because only the wealthy can afford the coaching... which is why sometime soon the young Master Jacob and probably Master Ben will play no more even though they are hugely talented. Damn.

    Anonymous; Welcome! Ooo I love anonymous comments...sooo exciting!! My imagination is last Pierce has stumbled upon my blog... but alas I fear your interest in alumininium saucepans suggests you too have an attachment to the kitchen sink... Never mind! Please feel free to comment and if you have any household time saving tips please feel free to leave 'em!

  6. Isnt 5'8" a little short for your tastes?
    I personally spend most of the day with my weapon in my hand. Thats just the way I run with it though. You just never know when you are going to need to shoot it.

  7. Yeah, it is a liitle short Sy; I was just being kind, I didn't want to hurt you're feelings! Is yours a 5 or 6 shooter?

  8. Mrs. T is back and Pierce Brosnan better watch out!

    I love your incredibly detailed plots and strategies to get what you want. I have no doubt the CIA and other Intelligence agencies are keeping a scrutinizing eye on you.

    Oh, and the lack of movement in your legs is all just a ruse. We all know you're as agile as a cat and will tackle Mr. Brosnan the first chance you get. It's all a form of deception, waiting for the right time to strike.

    We're on to you, Mrs. T. :P And of course, we're happy you're still plotting away...

  9. It used to be a 6 shooter, but I think it is spent now. I am completely out of ammo.

  10. Ooh I'm so glad you're back. I'm new here, but I have to admit I'm already addicted. Enjoyed the post immensely. I especially love your Bond movie plot. Maybe you should run it by Pierce?

  11. Sorry Jane. Anonymous from April 3rd was me, fordfocusmom. It was late and I had forgotten my password. Won't do it again (apart from today). I'm working on those time-saving tips, by the way, but constant company of at least one child is cramping my style! Time-saving tip: make sure all your children have the same school hols!!!

  12. Well it did cross my mind whether it was you! It was that reference to John Lewis that did it! Well, I'm glad to see you back. I've spent most of the day finishing off some tennis stuff and I think tomorrow I will be able to blog especially as I have to wait in for my NEW COOKER!!! AT LAST !! Everyone was getting bored of The Turley Pizza Surprise.

    Oh, the deliberations Mr T has made! He has been winding up shop assistants all over the country and I am most peeved because he has selected a white one when I wanted a classy stainless steel one. Oh how monstrously annoying; I will have to ensure that I burn the first meal I prepare in it with due lack of care and attention. Roll on tomorrow night!

    I have a highly contensious issue to blog about tomorrow which I am sure you will have something to say about! I certainly do and it may be highly vitrolic!

  13. Jaaaaane! Are you there? Did you see Floog's short nove? You were absolutely scrumptious in your sexy Armani dress. He's killed off the rest of us. You're the only one that's still alive.

  14. Looking forward to that blog already! Shame about the white cooker but Mr T must have had his reasons? Round our way, yours truly has to make ALL such domestic decisions and I'm fed up with debating with myself whether, for example, a venetian blind is better than a roller blind. The kitchen in our new house is horrible (think Fungus the Bogeyman meets a Dickensian bank) but, after putting in a new kitchen at the house we sold, I can't be thinking about cupboard door handles and pan drawers and the like. Is it me? Am I lazy? No, don't answer that!!

  15. Floog has been writing a short novel? I must check in immediately!! AH... if only I could fit into an Armani dress....

  16. Your latent desires for the "Good Life" seem to include a preponderance of doting services and creature comforts.

    Can't see it myself. Basic services work out just fine. All you need in the kitchen, for example, is a vending machine and a large garbage can. And, oh, yes, the only other essential is a workable computer with an easy-flow keyboard--upon which to write your novel. Keep the faith, Jane. It only took me 40 years to write mine. You'll get there.

  17. Well, that's a very very interesting comment Jack "latent desires for the good life." Which I suppose is true to a degree...although the kind of good life I'd like is to have is to be wealthy enough to have someone do all those household chores like cooking and cleaning that I genuinely abhorr! I am probably the worst housewife ever (although I like to think that I am a great mother) and fortunately Mr T is probably the most patient man on this earth. (Although I admit there is the odd occasion when he has come close to burying me under the patio.)
    Yep, I agree about a vending machine and a garbage bin. I have no interest in cooking at all and only really enjoy it when I cook for guests but that is only because that is part of the experience of entertaining people and enjoying their company.I try my best then because I don't want them to go home with food poisioning and not wanting to come back.
    As for gadgets and all that stuff, I suspect this household is one of the most gadget free ones in the UK; I like the simple stuff and besides where would I put all that damn ridiculous stuff like popcorn makers, grinders, juicers etc etc.. there just ain't enough room for it in my kitchen, especially when you have an arse my size to squeeze between the cabinets.

    One day, I hope I will finish my novel..time is so difficult to find and all I want to do is write. This blogging has been so satisfying...even it's only my silly stuff. One day I know I WILL complete my novel and Jack I have plenty to say which ain't about saucepans and dishclothes.

    By the way I ordered your book and it never turned up. I shall have to investigate.I fear this could be The Case Of The Missing Book. Now where's my Pipe and Deerstalker?
    "Hmm, let me see Dr Watson... the order was placed..when?"

  18. Exciting post Mrs. T. I'm certain there's something for everyone here. I've zeroed in on # 9. I'd like to audition for the role of Felix Leiter, CIA agent extraordinaire? I'm usually armed (and dangerous) with at least three weapons. I've been told the tongue is mightier than the sword! So I like to keep mine in the ready and able position. To further plead my case, I usually have access to some pretty great chocolate and I look okay in a Tuxedo! So there - Write me in for the action golf scene Please! You can even finish me off there if you like.

  19. Well FFmum I trawled back through my emails just to check and I found it along with a couple of other emails. Yes, that means that one of the tribe has been on my PC again. Hmm, that means I'm going to have to attach a small explosive to it just big enough to take a couple of fingers off but not to big to do any inherent damage.

    Well of course some ladies are interested in the ins and outs of their kitchens but I sense FFM that you, like me, are not one of those. To be frank I couldn't care less although I did fancy a stainless steel cooker as you know. But that's only because it matches the colour of my laptop which is arguably my most precious object. Although I quite like biscuit tins and toilet rolls (for practicalities sake) Oh by the way I've had a glass or two of wine and now I'm off, off and away.......

    Now who haven't I answered ... ah yes my favourite toyboy Mewie.. it's true I am as agile as a cat Mewie. I'm not actually sure what kind of cat; a three legged one with a hernia but thanks anyway! Still, I'm sure that somehow I could make a play for Mr Brosnan... although it might be in a more rugby tackle kind of way than in a purring fashion. I am good with pussies though; it comes naturally.

    Sy ain't out of ammo yet boy! You're just a young 'un. I've checked with Mr T and he says you've got a least 10 years left. After that it's Russian Roulette!

    Hello Michele and welcome to my musings! It sounds like you are fan of the delicious Mr Brosnan too! Excellent! I'm very happy that you are enjoying my blog and I hope you will find time to add the odd comment or two;it makes the whole process so much more fun!

    Mr I, well hello! So you'd like to audition for the part of Felix Leiter? Hmm, I think I could stretch to that, particularly if as you say you have three weapons. Perhaps you'd like to elaborate on that? It is essential that Felix has a fully loaded weapon; yes, I've definately heard the tongue is mightier than the sword and I'm a very good listener!

    Now you have chocolate and a Tux; excellent; so I think there's certainly a part for you in Goldfinger II. There is a new scene on the golf course where Bond gets trapped in a very deep Bunker with a curvaveous golf caddy. I'm not quite sure of the ending yet but it does require some finishing off.

    Hmm, that wine has set me off...

  20. LAMO!!!
    As ALWAYS you have me cracking up and laughing hysterically!

    ...and to think I used to work with Pierce's wife's sister right before they got married! I remember her talking about how when they were dating...they would all go out...I thought, "Oh, man! He is SO HANDSOME! all hung out and went to eat?!"
    I mean, FOOD AND Pierce?!

    ...oh, I got side tracked sorry...

    BUT YES, brilliant as always I couldn't tear myself away from reading your blog.

  21. Oh yeah, I got so excited that you were back that I forgot to post what I wanted to originally say...(it was the whole Pierce comment.)

    I kid you NOT, when that movie came out MY WHOLE FAMILY said at one point or another "...that's TOTALLY Grandpa!!!" My Mom, Sister and I will still make that remark about the towel thing! He was crazy about that!
    ...My sister just said the other night how (because of my Grandpa)WE ALL have to use the HOTTEST WATER possible to wash dishes and stack them a certain way in the dish rack (I'm NOT so much with that one) but I still find myself straightening my bathroom towels every now and then!
    We would sometimes say, "Poor Grandma." Imagine GRUMPY
    OLD FASHION Japanese man...


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