Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The Importance of Tea... and Kettles

Now because my life is so exciting I need to report that I have a new kettle arriving today via Amazon prime delivery.

This is because my other kettle has gone all hormonal on me.

Sometimes it boils, sometimes it doesn't.

Sometimes I have to hold down the all systems "go" button. Sometimes I don't.

Yeah, I know all this "on and off" stuff sounds like foreplay. But let me assure you, dear readers, my kettle never, ever, turns on by itself.

Which is a pity because, as any woman knows, turning on by yourself can be a real bonus. Men seem to have a far greater capacity for turning on by themselves though which is not very fair.

Still, it's not always a good thing to turn on remotely when you're in the gym. Or the office. Or down the pub. Or in the cinema.

Question: is there anywhere a man cannot turn on by himself?

Hmm. Let me think about that.

I'd like to say "public lavatories". But I'm afraid George Michael put at end to my idea of what's they're used for.

Maybe the Cabinet Office?

Nah. I feel sure there's a lot of turning on in the Cabinet Office.

Anyway, back to my kettle. Sometimes I weigh down the all systems "go" button with a variation of objects so I don't have to stand there like a lemon with my finger on it. Cos you know what? Waiting for the kettle to boil with my finger on the button for a whole minute is so damn tedious. I could be filing my nails or reading the Daily Mail. So, if I am not in the mood to wait and I really, really need to finish reading that article on Kim Kardashian's arse, I weigh down the switch. The fact that an elaborate system of levers and pulleys involving rolling pins, knives, spatulas and any handy kitchen utensil which I've cunningly constructed and wedged up against the wall takes me longer to devise than the minute is takes for me to stand there with my finger on the kettle and wait for it to boil is neither here nor there -  I have got one over on my kettle and that is all that matters.

Because I am just shallow like that.  Getting a kick out of getting one over on my kettle means a lot to me.

Yeah, yeah I know you lot out there are saying I shouldn't be moaning about my First World problem but a gal's gotta have a cup of tea, right?

I mean how would I function without my tea? How would I cope with the daily grind?

Anyway, I've ordered an extra-special kettle which filters the water first so you don't get that scum on your tea. Yeah, I know I could just pour water from the filter jug into the kettle but that would take way tooooooo long and I've got important things to do. Like clean the bathroom.

I wonder what time my new kettle is going to arrive? I'm so excited. It's got a blue light on it like a police car! That is cool. Seriously cool.

Right, time to get back to work and work up a thirst before it arrives.

I have no interest in gadgets whatsoever. Only in ones that make my life easier. And make tea.


  1. Writers need kettles. It's one of the laws of nature. End of.

    I now have a spare kettle. (If only you'd told me ...!) It didn't just turn itself on: it came back to life. After it didn't work and I'd descaled it and it still didn't work, I had to buy another one. Eventually, that one needed descaling and there I was with no working kettle. Nothing to lose. I plug the original kettle in, because I'm not like normal people and I hadn't taken it to the tip, and .... it just worked. How do you explain that?

    That's as much as I'm going to say about anything turning itself on.

    1. Tis true, Mrs B. Writers most definitely need kettles! And cookies. And chocolate. And coffee. And sweets. And alcohol. Occasionally they also need sex.

      But, as you say, the less said about that the better:D


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