Thursday, November 21, 2013

I am the Anti-Writer

When I first started my blog, I used to write the occasional post giving new dictionary definitions for common words. Back then my life revolved around domesticity and children so they were words like washing machine (a square shaped inanimate object used for the cleaning of clothes which holds no interest for men despite having a round door which opens and closes without foreplay). These days, although I don't write much about writing here, I do occasionally mix with writers online and I certainly read a lot about writing and the arts in general. This has lead me to put together a new set of dictionary definitions appropriate to the moment. Here we go:

Artist: someone who talks about himself a lot, is likely to be mentally unstable and draws pictures of himself as the Elephant man. Artists are usually harmless but are usually into self-harm.

Painter: someone who knows the difference between Magnolia, Cream and Apple-White and knows how to install a dado rail.

Motivational Speaker: someone who believes he is Jesus but also has a book to sell.

Publicist: someone who has an Apple Mac and wants everyone else to know about it.

Agent: someone who sits on a fence trying to avoid a nasty wooden spike.

Serial Writer: someone, who as a child, read a lot comics.

Young Adult Writer: someone who wanted to be an artist but failed their art exams.

Psychologist: someone who laughs at other people and aspires to be a motivational speaker.

Women's Fiction Writer: someone who purports never to wear anything but pyjamas.

Crime Writer: someone who used to work in forensics before their eyesight deteriorated.

Thriller Writer: someone who admires Michael Jackson, reads Dan Brown for inspiration and occcasionally sticks his fingers in a plug socket.

Adult Fiction Writer: someone who still plays behind the bike sheds.

Traditional Publisher: someone who is standing on the edge of a tall precipice feeling slightly giddy.

Self-Publisher: someone who owns more than one set of trilogies.

Amazon:  a particularly moist forest from where books originate. Contrary to popular belief, the Amazon is not decreasing but expanding. This is due to excessive moisture requirements of some of its chief occupants.

A Best-Selling Author: someone who has hit the number one spot in the Kindle charts in the Caribbean dystopian fiction genre.

Manic Depressive: someone who hasn't yet hit the top of the Kindle chart in Caribbean dystopian fiction genre.

Bi-Polar Depressive: someone who has hit the top of New York Times best-selling author list but still doesn't need an accountant.

A comedian: someone who is not Russell Brand and knows what a punchline is.

A humorist: someone who knows the truth and isn't afraid to get lambasted for saying it.
"All you need to become a successful author is this bunch of carrots. They are free with my book which is $9.99 on Kindle, $11.99 in paperback or you can buy it from me today with a personalized inscription for just $10.99. It also comes in Braille for just $25.00.


  1. Tee hee! Thanks for that guide. Now, I'm up to speed. I know that what I am is an aspirational Women's Fiction Writer ie, I aspire to purport to slob around all day wearing pyjamas. Do I have to write stuff too? Oh.

    1. Well I wouldn't worry about writing anything to noble, Mrs B. Have you read some of that women's fiction? It makes my stuff look clever - and that's saying something:))


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