Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Live Cricket, Graeme Swann and the dilemmas of Twitter

I have been debating whether or not to join Twitter on and off for several years. But yesterday I came as close to it as I have ever done. In fact, if I'd had my phone to hand I probably would have joined up.

The reason for this?

I felt the urgent need to communicate to England cricketer, Graeme Swann, and tell him to stop gobbing on the pitch and picking his nose.


Look, women like cricket too. In fact, I used to play cricket. Badly. ( You may remember the consequences of a recent attempt to rekindle this interest here.) But even though I am a sporty type of gal and two of my sons are really sporty I categorically do not want to see constant close-ups of gobbing on the pitch. Nor do I want to see close-ups of nose picking, drilling out ear wax and adjusting cricket boxes like the wearer is rearranging the fish fingers in the supermarket freezer. I have feminine sensitivities, you know.

Some men seem to get more than an acceptable amount of pleasure from picking their nose.
Now since I know about sport I do appreciate sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. However GRAEME SWANN that is NOT when you've just had your lunch, put your feet up and idled onto the pitch. You are NOT choking with flem at that point. AND, might I point out, that you are a spin bowler. You are not charging in like Michael Holding. You are gently meandering up to the wicket, tossing the ball like the bowler's equivalent of Miss Marple and trying to confuse the batsman with some weird finger action. You have NOT run a marathon.

Now I don't want to shift all the blame onto Swanny Boy. It is partially the cameramen's fault. Are they having some sort of laugh? Do they sit on the edge of the field taking bets on how many times each of them can catch a cricketer in flagrante?

Cameraman One: Jesus. I'm *uckin bored. They've not got a wicket for two hours. Let's zoom on Swann again. See if we can catch him picking his nose.

Cameraman Two: I bet you a fiver I can catch him more times than you. I got six shots at Lords. 

Camera One: You're on! And if either of us  gets him scratching his balls it's a  pint as well.

Cameraman Three: Hey, Fellas. The umpire's just farted!

Cameraman One: How can you tell?

Cameraman Three: His jacket tails just flapped up. It must have been a big 'un as Cookie's moving to second slip.

I like to be fair so I'm going to point out that all sports men do some pretty abhorrent things. As you Readers know, I am a big tennis fan too so I've seen a few ghastly sights on the tennis courts too. However I am pleased to say Rafa Nadal has finally got some decent pants. I've been watching him adjust his wedgies for ten years which sort of took the edge of his otherwise rather attractive backside. At least now I can look forward to Wimbledon.

Other cricket related posts: Who is Sir Geoffrey Boycott?  Big mouth, Big toe  What is it about Men and Balls?

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