Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Dangers of Men in Suits

When I was a child I was a movie addict - I still am but now I have less time to watch as many films as I would like. My tastes back then varied from war movies, psychological thrillers and dramas to musicals where suited men like Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly danced the night away with glamorous leading ladies dressed in sequins and pearls.

These days, movies which contain dancing are comparatively rare and when you do see them the men are usually a lot more risqué in their clothing and dance moves. No woman can fail to smile at the thought of Patrick Swayze bare chested in Dirty Dancing but does he really beat Gene Kelly tap dancing in those puddles in Singing in the Rain? I once saw Tommy Steele perform the same routine at the London Palladium. I was so mesmerized by Tommy I even failed to notice his teeth.

Anyhow, I've noticed that suited men dancing are a rare breed in movies or indeed anywhere these days  - except perhaps weddings, office parties and such like. So I want to issue a warning: Ladies - if you are unfortunate enough to see one of these strange cavorting creatures, please take precautions as I've notice there are three distinct phases of  dance technique which all women should be advised of...

Phase One - The Slightly Inebriated Stage: Arms to side, fingers pointing like a wild-west shoot out, mild hip thrusting. Usually attempting to move rhythmically but actually inflicting heavy bruising on partner's feet - or if approaching the second stage - inflicting partial blindness. Also, the suited man is frequently miming (badly) to I was made for Dancinby Leif Garrett, Dancing Queen by Abba or, if you're really unlucky, Contact by Edwin Starr. If the opening bars of  Contact result in the suited man clapping and grinning like a Cheshire cat you should make a quick exit before he moves completely into...

Phase Two - The Wholly Inebriated Stage: Legs at right angles, arms waving up and down aka John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, intense hip grinding and thrusting. Frequent screams, whoops and winking whilst rubbing crotch and whispering in your ear incoherent beer babble. This babble is usually an attempt to get your telephone number or (if married) a plea for sex in rear seat of your car - but actually sounds more like a recipe for Bubble and Squeak or a precursor to a heavy bout of vomiting. The opening bars of Thriller, Last Christmas or Hi Ho Silver Lining will result in the suited man performing rapturous applause or leaping up and down like pneumatic drill  or (worse case scenario) should the suited man have taken a toilet break, running from the bathroom doing up his flies screaming "This is my favourite song ever!" and grabbing the nearest person - which is usually the woman from HR, his maiden aunt or (if he's really unlucky) - his boss. He will then strut his way to centre of the dance floor and perform wild sexual gyrations whilst telling his new found dance partner that he loves them and wants to have their babies. This usually signifies - either the end of his career, the end of his marriage or a spell in rehab.

Phase Three - The Totally Legless Stage: There is very little dancing in this stage which is characterized by vague head movements, mouth opening and closing like a fish and saliva dribbling from the corner of the mouth. The man usually collapses onto the floor at this stage with other suited men of a similar disposition. The sign of impending group male unconsciousness is when they all form a long chain sitting behind each other, legs apart, and rock from side to side to the tune of Oops Upside Your Head by The Gap Band. As the suited men start to sway from side to side and wave their arms to the rhythm of the song the hypnotic effect of the motion takes effect and, one by one, they keel over and slip into a deep coma.

It is at this moment a wise woman puts a ten pound note in her suited man's pocket and drives home.

So there you have it; how men in suits are a danger to society. Hmm...this has been a rather a long-winded way of me getting to round to playing another of my Christmas Musical Countdown. The Song I'm going to play is Give Me Everything by Pitbull and features Ne-Yo, Afrojack and Nayer. This song is definitely in my top three songs of the year as it's such a great  party dance tune. It also features Pitbull in a suit. I'm not sure what it is about Pitbull but strangely I find him rather attractive. It must be the music influencing me because after some serious consideration I'm pretty darn sure Pitbull is in Phase One....

Anyway, if you don't fancy Pitbull and some modern dance music why not try this - Gene Kelly in Dancing in the Rain.

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