Thursday, September 15, 2011

I am not a Student Advisor! (Mrs T's search for Employment II )

Yep, I am not a student advisor. Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not as the interview date was today and I haven't heard anything.

The problem is, when you haven't worked in the conventional manner since 1998, it doesn't matter how much voluntary work you've done; you've still not been employed. It's a competitive world at the moment and there's a lot of people who tick all the right boxes fighting over very few jobs.

Anyway, I think the University is missing out. I would have made a fantastic student advisor! I mean who wouldn't want Mrs T dispensing her pearls of wisdom to the student fraternity?

I admit though that Young Sam, who has just started his second year at university, was not quite so impressed with the idea...

Mrs T: Sam, I've applied for a job as a student advisor at the University. Ask me some questions, will you? Just in case I get an interview.

Sam: You're kidding?

Mrs T:  Umm...no. I think I'd be a wonderful student advisor!  I have a son at university, I've been an almost perpetual student myself and I'm great with young people. I'm the the ideal candidate!

Sam: Mum, get real. You'd be the worst student advisor ever. I can just imagine it; some young, tentative girl comes in with a question and you'd say "Oh for God's sake. Can't you work it out for yourself? Just get on with it! Oh, and by the way have you learnt to spell yet?"


His exact words, Readers.


Cue Mrs T looking somewhat downhearted. Really, am I that bad? (Rhetorical question - no need to answer.)

You know, I can't remember asking for any help when I was a student. Maybe I just read the pamphlets and got on with it. (Please notice correct spelling of the word "pamphlet." I'm using it a lot lately - this is because I discovered last week Ben's teacher had written in his book "Some good points in your phamlet." I'm afraid I haven't got over it yet. In comparison, the PE teacher spelling "lesson" with only one "s" looked like a genuine typo.

Hey ho.

Anyway, eventually I managed to persuade Sam to give me a few questions to which I came up with the following answers;

Q: Where can I get free condoms?
A: Oh come on! I'm  Your parents are paying your fees! Surely you can afford a rubber or two? Blimey, how tight can you be?  Okay, okay...you can get free ones at the family planning clinic. Alternatively, if you don't mind second hand you can pick up some behind the student union bike shed.

Q: How do I use the washing machine?
A: Oh for God's sake! Just read the pamphlet. That's pamphlet spelt P A M P H L E T.

Q: I 'm running out of money. My mother is a miser and won't send me any more cash. What should I eat?
A: Hmm. Tricky. When I was a student I ate Weetabix spread with jam. Might be a bit tricky with your braces. Pot Noddle?

Q: (By email) My tutr says' i cant spell. im gutted evrone told me I wuz god at schole. Wot schwod i do?
A: Give up now or email your MP and tell them you've been fed a load of bullshit. Fingers crossed he understands you.

Q: I want to switch courses. What's the procedure?
A: At last! A proper question. Right, fill out this form.

Q: Can I borrow a pen?
A: Oh for God's sake...

Q: I'm living in a student house which doesn't appear to have any fire escape. What should I do?
A: How much pot are you planning to smoke? If you're planning to smoke a lot I suggest keeping it under your hat - the lack of fire escape not your pot. The pot might catch fire to your hair. Hmm...bearing that in mind I suggest jumping.

Q:The student restaurant doesn't offer enough vegetarian choices. Who should I complain to?
A: Now that's difficult. Let me think....The Vice Principal? No. Not really his area. Your tutor? Hmm... I see you're studying Media with Dr Flighty so maybe not. I know, I know! How about... the head chef or the restaurant manager?

By the way, can you spell pamphlet?

Q: Why are you a student advisor? You don't seem very helpful.
A: I'm not. I'm pretending to be an advisor. I made this badge following instructions on Blue Peter. I'm actually a brain surgeon masquerading as an advisor for a bet documentary for media studies department.

So there you have it, Readers. I am not a student advisor and the search for employment goes on. Should all else fail as a last resort I'm thinking about setting up my own telephone "chat" line. Could be entertaining.

Hmm... an afterthought. Have I mentioned about setting up a chat line before? I think I have... Hmm, me thinks the reality of unemployment is dawning on me. All options must considered. I haven't tried being a political speech writer yet though. I reckon I'd be good at that. Could be some fiery vitriol but hey, I haven't heard a good speech since Tony Blair resigned.

18 comments:

  1. When I read the headline, I couldn't help but wonder what a student advisor actually does. Gives advice on how to work the washing machine, I thought to myself. Seems like you'd have to give contraception advice as well!
    You're better off out of it....

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  2. You're right Martin, I am probably better of out of it! Although I have tendency to think I'm better of out any job - which is not exactly productive! I do, of course, excel at being a housewife - well give or take a mile:)

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  3. Q: I quite like a girl I met at freshers week but she likes cheese and onion crisps and I don't. What should I do?

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  4. A. I suppose you like prawn cocktail crisps, Mike? Alternatively, offer to share your nuts instead.

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  5. What I meant was - try to convert her to your favourite prawn cocktail flavour and then if that fails then offer your nuts.

    Obviously, I had some unusual imagery going on in my mind when I wrote my first answer which resulted in the bad grammar.

    Any more questions???

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  6. All the best Mrs. T on your further job searches.

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  7. Thanks Sue:) I'm starting two courses next week which should increase my prospects over the coming months. After I finish those two I have a third earmarked. Maybe then I'll be a bit more marketable...

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  8. I don't like prawn cocktail crisps will try sharing my nuts

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  9. Is a Pot Noddle what you get after smoking too much?

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  10. You're nuts it is then Mike.

    Take that anyway you like:)))

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  11. E - I think you're right E! Barbecue flavour probably:)

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  12. Tee hee! Your advice ('Oh for God's sake ... have you learned to spell yet?') should cover all eventualities, methinks, but the world has, so they say, moved on and you would have to take all sorts of nonsense seriously. I also think you are better off out of it.

    If you had got the job, you could have designed a nice 'phamlet' with lots of durr-brained sample questions like: 'My mobile phone contract has taken all my money, what should I do?' - but now I'm just getting carried away ...

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  13. Oh you are so right Mrs B -I am better off out of it. What worries me about going back to work is actually having to pretend I'm taking some silly PC rule seriously when I'm thinking the exact opposite. That's not a great place to be really:(

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  14. Phamlet? Isn't that an adaptation of Shakespeare's play? Maybe she was commenting on his performance.

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  15. Now that PB had me laughing out loud!
    Wish I'd thought of it first!

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  16. Don't give up so easily, Jane. They probably LOVED your application so much they dispensed with interviews and your job offer is in the post.
    Anna May x

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  17. Anna, Ahh the eternal optimist! I like it!

    Unfortunately, no letter has arrived yet. I am going to delude myself that they loved me anyway and it was just bad luck....

    "Have you seen this application form Marg? This woman sounds lovely, perfect for the job but let's just do our checks...

    Qualifications - check
    Experience - check
    References - check
    Social networking sites...

    OH MY GOD this woman has a blog and she sounds completely bonkers! A
    complete and utter liability..."

    Cheryl: Yeah that E is too quick witted. She keeps trying to outsmart me. I'm resorting to custard pies soon:))

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