The problem is, when you haven't worked in the conventional manner since 1998, it doesn't matter how much voluntary work you've done; you've still not been employed. It's a competitive world at the moment and there's a lot of people who tick all the right boxes fighting over very few jobs.
Anyway, I think the University is missing out. I would have made a fantastic student advisor! I mean who wouldn't want Mrs T dispensing her pearls of wisdom to the student fraternity?
I admit though that Young Sam, who has just started his second year at university, was not quite so impressed with the idea...
Mrs T: Sam, I've applied for a job as a student advisor at the University. Ask me some questions, will you? Just in case I get an interview.
Sam: You're kidding?
Mrs T: Umm...no. I think I'd be a wonderful student advisor! I have a son at university, I've been an almost perpetual student myself and I'm great with young people. I'm the the ideal candidate!
Sam: Mum, get real. You'd be the worst student advisor ever. I can just imagine it; some young, tentative girl comes in with a question and you'd say "Oh for God's sake. Can't you work it out for yourself? Just get on with it! Oh, and by the way have you learnt to spell yet?"
His exact words, Readers.
Cue Mrs T looking somewhat downhearted. Really, am I that bad? (Rhetorical question - no need to answer.)
You know, I can't remember asking for any help when I was a student. Maybe I just read the pamphlets and got on with it. (Please notice correct spelling of the word "pamphlet." I'm using it a lot lately - this is because I discovered last week Ben's teacher had written in his book "Some good points in your phamlet." I'm afraid I haven't got over it yet. In comparison, the PE teacher spelling "lesson" with only one "s" looked like a genuine typo.
Anyway, eventually I managed to persuade Sam to give me a few questions to which I came up with the following answers;
Q: Where can I get free condoms?
A: Oh come on!
Q: How do I use the washing machine?
A: Oh for God's sake! Just read the pamphlet. That's pamphlet spelt P A M P H L E T.
Q: I 'm running out of money. My mother is a miser and won't send me any more cash. What should I eat?
A: Hmm. Tricky. When I was a student I ate Weetabix spread with jam. Might be a bit tricky with your braces. Pot Noddle?
Q: (By email) My tutr says' i cant spell. im gutted evrone told me I wuz god at schole. Wot schwod i do?
A: Give up now or email your MP and tell them you've been fed a load of bullshit. Fingers crossed he understands you.
Q: I want to switch courses. What's the procedure?
A: At last! A proper question. Right, fill out this form.
Q: Can I borrow a pen?
A: Oh for God's sake...
Q: I'm living in a student house which doesn't appear to have any fire escape. What should I do?
A: How much pot are you planning to smoke? If you're planning to smoke a lot I suggest keeping it under your hat - the lack of fire escape not your pot. The pot might catch fire to your hair. Hmm...bearing that in mind I suggest jumping.
Q:The student restaurant doesn't offer enough vegetarian choices. Who should I complain to?
A: Now that's difficult. Let me think....The Vice Principal? No. Not really his area. Your tutor? Hmm... I see you're studying Media with Dr Flighty so maybe not. I know, I know! How about... the head chef or the restaurant manager?
By the way, can you spell pamphlet?
Q: Why are you a student advisor? You don't seem very helpful.
A: I'm not. I'm pretending to be an advisor. I made this badge following instructions on Blue Peter. I'm actually a brain surgeon masquerading as an advisor for a
So there you have it, Readers. I am not a student advisor and the search for employment goes on. Should all else fail as a last resort I'm thinking about setting up my own telephone "chat" line. Could be entertaining.
Hmm... an afterthought. Have I mentioned about setting up a chat line before? I think I have... Hmm, me thinks the reality of unemployment is dawning on me. All options must considered. I haven't tried being a political speech writer yet though. I reckon I'd be good at that. Could be some fiery vitriol but hey, I haven't heard a good speech since Tony Blair resigned.