So after yesterday's traumatic post about the reception my novel got in a professional critique I'm still weighing up my options. Do I carry on writing or do I get that job at Tescos which has been beckoning me for the last 5 years? And should I go for the meat counter or the fish counter? I'm not sure about either actually - I think I could work well amongst the vegetables.
Alternatively, there's the bakery section - I could play with buns all day, pick raisins out of my hair and I'd get to wear one of those amusing white hats. That would be a real treat. I reckon if I let a few obligatory stray hairs come loose and put on an thermal vest so I get all sweaty I'd actually look like I'd been working when, of course, I'd actually be out the back consuming all the chocolate chip cookies. Obviously, consuming the cookies would be a necessity as I'm the sort of person who always takes pride in her work - so I'd need to put on about 5 stone to look the part of the authentic baker. Now I know that weight gain sounds quite a task but rest assured Readers whilst I may have failed with my novel I am confident I can succeed with the weight gain.
The sweet counter would obviously be the ideal choice. Imagine being able to advise people on the pros and cons of all the different chocolates? One would have to sample them obviously which would be a bit of a chore but well I suppose I could suffer it because people really do need advice on these important matters. You see the type of chocolate you buy, particularly as a gift for a woman, says a lot about the type of man you are. For example, if you buy a box of Milk Tray you are finished, I mean finished, as a potential partner - Milk Tray are only for your Aunt Flo when she's coming out of rehab or for the teacher who really gets up your nose at school. Unfortunately though, your average supermarket sweet counter is unmanned so that just leaves the cheese counter to which I'd probably be ideally suited. I think my cheesy jokes should fit in rather well alongside the Gorgonzola and the Stilton. And if the cheese counter was situated next to the vegetable counter it would be one huge comedy feast.
Of course I could be a cashier. I've always wanted to ring that little bell they've got or turn on the flashing light. It would be like being a police officer only without the threat of personal injury.
Wait a minute, there's also the dry cleaning section. I could definitely do that bit. I do "dry" cleaning all the time at home. In fact, I can proudly claim our floors and laundry remain as dry as long as humanly possible.
The one place I wouldn't want to work is customer service. I'm not tactful enough. All those people who bring their turkey carcasses back after Christmas saying it was dry and tasteless but they ate it anyway would get short shrift from me...
So it was dry and tasteless but you still managed to eat all 35lbs over two days? Right...... if you'd just like to step over here to our lie detector machine I can give you a refund no problem.....
You know what? I think I am definitely management material. I want one of those little badges. It could read Mrs J Turley, Manager, Vegetables and Cheeses.
Though knowing my luck I'd probably get stuck on newspapers and books.