Yes Grrrrrrrrr and Brrrrrrrrrrr! It's early morning here and I have toothache! And it's cold and snowing outside! I'm all crossy wossy cos I should be all tucked up nice and cosy in my bed but alas there is a small gremlin tapping away on my tooth. Huh, and if that isn't enough bad news I've spent the last three days searching for my car and house keys and after ripping my house apart I still can't find the darn things. Life is sooo unfair!
Reluctantly, tomorrow it looks like I shall have to get the locks changed. My car has not been stolen so there's a good chance the keys are in the house somewhere and logic is screaming out at me.....Who the hell would want to steal my car with all its dents and scratches and an interior which looks like someone has let off a packet of party poppers?
I mean if you're going to steal something you want something that looks the biz don't you? Not some beat up Ford which looks it hasn't been valeted for a decade. Still, I guess I can't take the risk....
Anyway, I've got burglars on my mind at the moment. Cos well an Englishman's home is his castle you know and in recent years there's been a number of burglaries and car thefts from our village so I can't help being concerned. In fact, thinking about my lost keys reminds me of one such burglary a couple of years back at my good friend Mrs C's house. Now long term readers may remember Mrs C is the lady with the chickens that Master Benedict has an affection for and who is also a member of the local constabulary.
Now unfortunately, one night Mrs C forgot to follow her own advice and left her kitchen blind up so all her goodies were on show and also, even more stupidly, forgot to double lock her front door. Shocking behaviour for a member of the constabulary and a known recipe for disaster! Silly, silly Mrs C!
( Folks, you should always double lock double glazed doors as if you don't they can just be popped open with a screwdriver.)
Now anyway, on this particular night of gross inepitude by Mrs C, the good Mr C woke up to hear noises downstairs. Their young son had been sick for the previous few nights so naturally Mr C thought it was their young master up and about. Wearily, he and Mrs C get up. Mrs C pops into the loo and is ensconced in a moment of necessity and Mr C yells down the stairs;
"Young Master, are you alright?!"
At which point there is a flurry of activity and a big bang. (The front door closing.) Now Mr C (who alas is not quick witted) has no idea what is going on. However, Mrs C (although slightly inconvenienced by having her jim jams around her ankles and her derriere poised delicately on the porcelain) is very quick witted and of course being a member of the constabulary is screaming at Mr C;
"We are being burgled! Call the police!"
As I say, Mr C is not quick witted as the obvious reply was "You are the police Dear." However, duly instructed in the art of phoning 999 he makes the necessary call. The constabulary at base control realise, horror upon horror, that one of their own is being victimized and are down the street, lights blazing, sirens howling, like nothing you can imagine. (Except if your name's Tiger Woods and you've unfortunately hit a small fire hydrant in the early hours of the morning.)
On arriving at Mrs C's house, the constabulary find Mrs C standing in her hallway, surrounded by heaps of bags overflowing with stuff. In fact there is stuff, stuff and more stuff.... everywhere. The whole place looks a shambolic mess. The young police officer is duly shocked at the enormity of the situation;
"Oh, Officer C, you have been very very lucky. These rogues were going to clean you out good and proper. Look at all these bags!"
At which point, Mrs C looks all shamefaced and hands over her badge to the young officer, tears beginning to well up, and says...
"I'm afraid Officer P my house always looks like this. They only got my mobile phone."
Yes folks, this IS a shameful story of bad housekeeping. Very bad housekeeping indeed! Now the whole world knows Mrs C is a slovenly housekeeper! So the moral of this story is...
Always keep a tidy house, especially if you are in the constabulary otherwise your colleagues (and very possibly Mrs T) will never let you forget your ineptitude and deficient housekeeping skills! And always, always lock your front door properly!"
Hmm..the paracetamol for my toothache is working so it's back to bed.
I'll just check I've still got a car first though.....
.....and a mobile phone.....