Saturday, September 26, 2009

No no, no and no again!

I usually wake fairly early, irrespective of what time I've gone to bed, and find myself in the kitchen by 6am feeding the cat and making a cup of black coffee. I enjoy the peace and solitude of the early morning, knowing there's a good hour or more when I can do as I please before the day descends into its usual chaos. I find it relaxing, therapeutic.

Then, cup in hand, I usually wander back upstairs to my study, check my emails, read the news headlines and see if anything grabs my attention enough to make me want to read the entire article. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn't. But what I categorically don't want to see is the likes of this;

C'mon, give a girl a break! I just got out of bed! What the hell is it? Is C3P0 experiencing an identity crisis? Is it a man or a woman? Or a man dressed as a woman? Or a woman dressed as a man dressed as a woman? I dunno, it could be some hideous creature straight out of a James Herbert Novel......

I turned, my pulse racing so fast I thought I would explode. Behind me was the most gross creature ever. It stood 6 feet tall (in heels), the fur on its shackles rising menacingly as I shrank back into the corner watching its heart beat like a rabid drum through its transparent thorax. It smelt of putrid rotting flesh that had been hidden in some dark tomb for a thousand years, anointed in the sickly sweet perfume of Eau de Joan Rivers. Fetid striped garments covered its spindly legs. Had it escaped from some secret government laboratory? Was it on the run? I pushed myself further into the recess, my body a damp quivering mass of fear as I felt fingers reach out and gently caress my hair. Vile, dark thoughts raced through my mind. Then suddenly through strange pouted lips it spoke..

"Babe.....you so need a haircut! That style so does not suit you! You just need a little flick here......"

No, no, no! This was beyond any of my worst nightmares. My hand scrabbled in the dark, I had to save myself from this fate worst than death -my hair and clothes remodelled by a celebrity fashion designer. Suddenly, I felt the cold plastic of a portable hair-dryer that had fallen from the creature's over sized pockets, knowing I was close to losing my mind I had to act quickly, I flicked it on, blasting it at his face...

"No, no, no...you absolute bitch!" It cried. "You've ruined my hair! When I see Trevor I going to tell him you're such a girl!"

Yeah, that's right folks. It was London fashion week last week. And if it isn't enough making some of world's most beautiful women look like complete idiots dressed in stuff any normal woman would laugh at now they've designated a whole day to make men look complete idiots as well. Blimey, when I saw the picture below I nearly cried;


You know I fail to believe any guy could feel good about himself dressed like a cross between a 6 year old school boy, his grandfather and Captain Scarlet. Yep, and I can tell you no woman in her right mind would find that attractive. We want men who look like men; a classy suit, smart trousers, a nice shirt. Blimey, we don't even mind shorts but for goodness sake get some that fit and don't look like they were made for Barbie's boyfriend.

And if that piccy wasn't enough to ruin my morning then I read that the latest fashion for men, as sold by Selfridges is Mantyhose. Now if if you can't work it out Mantyhose is tights - for men. For the really discerning guy you can buy these for a mere £70 in a remarkable 120 denier in beige, black and charcoal. Fantastic. Blimey I know Bridget Jones knickers are a turn off for men but let me tell you the idea of pealing off some guy's Mantyhose in the heat of passion doesn't exactly thrill me either. However, Selfridge's Director of Menswear says of Mantyhose;

This winter the city's most stylish men will have a secret weapon hidden in their trousers

Well there you go. Not the kind of secret weapon I'm interested in but hey I guess there might be some guys who want to keep their nuts from freezing on a cold winter's morning.

Oh yeah...and another thought about that second picture -no one mention the Hitler Youth pleasssssse.

13 comments:

  1. Spot on, Mrs T! Those 'fashions' are sooooo gross. Actually, this crazy 'death-warmed-up-meets-mad-furrier' look was probably inspired by the boys' pyjamas in Peacocks a few months ago. They had skeletons on and looked more like a Hallowe'en costume. In June?? Just 'why?'

    PS Watch out for thigh-high leather boots, too. Coming soon, I believe. You have to laugh.

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  2. So that's where these designers got that look from Mrs B? A roll back to toddlerhood where little boys wore skeleton pyjamas and mummy's lingerie? Hmm, looks like the only thing that's missing is the bra then. I look forward to the winter 2010 collection....

    Thigh High boots eh? Why just in time for the panto season! I shall order some immediately for some jolly thigh slapping fun. 'Course it will be interesting to try and get them over my thighs and even more interesting trying to walk in them - but then who cares it's fashion darling fashion!!

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  3. Oh, quick, pass the Bolly dah-ling! Did I tell you I'm working on my Spring collection already? I was inspired by Barbara Cartland, zebras and PE kits ...

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  4. Fair call, Mrs T. The pics left me reaching for a bucket too, but the name 'mantyhose' got my mind racing. We've had 'mankini' (a thousand yuks!) and now we get 'mantyhose' - I've been trying to work out the next line in the hope that I can patent the word, the idea or the actual garment. The best I could come up with is 'manbra'. With current trends in obesity, these might actually be modelled in 2010.

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  5. Mrs B,

    That sounds like an inspiring collection that I will be dashing out to get as soon as possible. The mere thought of a pink bouffant skirt (with sequins) combined with a fake zebra striped top complimented by the hockey boots and the gold plated Gym bag sounds just up my street. I can't wait, I am going to look so stylish at the school gates!

    Where can I get those fake eyelashes from though? Do they sell them at Tescos?

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  6. A thousand, thousand yucks indeed PB when I think of Borat's mankini. A more vile and wretched piece of clothing has never been seen upon this earth. The only saving grace is that Liberace had passed on before the item became fashionable.

    A manbra? Yes, I can see these being pretty popularity within a short space of time. I look forward to seeing which celebrity will be offered the modelling contract. I think someone like the lovely late John Candy would have got away with it - but now I'm thinking more John Prescott/Arthur Scargill type image is more appropriate. What say you??

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  7. Mrs T how about we work together on a collection for men called Big Girl's Blouse?

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  8. Ha, ha, ha Mrs A, a most amusing remark! I can see a collection called Big Girl's Blouse being an absolute winner! A more appropriate title could not be found!

    (Ps - This new tennis centre has a proper resturant and a broadband connection - I shall be able to start designing in comfort!Hoorah!)

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  9. I'm almost afraid to ask what are 'mantyhose'?

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  10. Mantyhose? Surely you jest!

    P.S. My capture word? "effen"

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  11. "Big Girl's Blouse" - great tag for a label of this sort. I think we're on a winner.

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  12. G,

    I know it's a hard concept to grasp for any normal fella but Mantyhose is actually tights. Yes tights aka like men wore 200 years ago in Regency England! From a women's point of view it's a fashion we don't want to see ever, ever again! I think the name is a derivative from Pantyhose - a word that ladies used to use to refer to tights but is no longer popular.

    Lawyer Mom,

    Regrettably Lawyer Mom I do not jest! Although I will be jesting at any man I see wearing them:)

    PB,

    Yes indeed. Mrs A has come up trumps with that tag.I think The Big Girl's Blouse collection will go from strength to strength. I am postively inspired!

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  13. That is a scary picture indeed.

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