Then, cup in hand, I usually wander back upstairs to my study, check my emails, read the news headlines and see if anything grabs my attention enough to make me want to read the entire article. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn't. But what I categorically don't want to see is the likes of this;
C'mon, give a girl a break! I just got out of bed! What the hell is it? Is C3P0 experiencing an identity crisis? Is it a man or a woman? Or a man dressed as a woman? Or a woman dressed as a man dressed as a woman? I dunno, it could be some hideous creature straight out of a James Herbert Novel......
I turned, my pulse racing so fast I thought I would explode. Behind me was the most gross creature ever. It stood 6 feet tall (in heels), the fur on its shackles rising menacingly as I shrank back into the corner watching its heart beat like a rabid drum through its transparent thorax. It smelt of putrid rotting flesh that had been hidden in some dark tomb for a thousand years, anointed in the sickly sweet perfume of Eau de Joan Rivers. Fetid striped garments covered its spindly legs. Had it escaped from some secret government laboratory? Was it on the run? I pushed myself further into the recess, my body a damp quivering mass of fear as I felt fingers reach out and gently caress my hair. Vile, dark thoughts raced through my mind. Then suddenly through strange pouted lips it spoke..
"Babe.....you so need a haircut! That style so does not suit you! You just need a little flick here......"
No, no, no! This was beyond any of my worst nightmares. My hand scrabbled in the dark, I had to save myself from this fate worst than death -my hair and clothes remodelled by a celebrity fashion designer. Suddenly, I felt the cold plastic of a portable hair-dryer that had fallen from the creature's over sized pockets, knowing I was close to losing my mind I had to act quickly, I flicked it on, blasting it at his face...
"No, no, no...you absolute bitch!" It cried. "You've ruined my hair! When I see Trevor I going to tell him you're such a girl!"
Yeah, that's right folks. It was London fashion week last week. And if it isn't enough making some of world's most beautiful women look like complete idiots dressed in stuff any normal woman would laugh at now they've designated a whole day to make men look complete idiots as well. Blimey, when I saw the picture below I nearly cried;
You know I fail to believe any guy could feel good about himself dressed like a cross between a 6 year old school boy, his grandfather and Captain Scarlet. Yep, and I can tell you no woman in her right mind would find that attractive. We want men who look like men; a classy suit, smart trousers, a nice shirt. Blimey, we don't even mind shorts but for goodness sake get some that fit and don't look like they were made for Barbie's boyfriend.
And if that piccy wasn't enough to ruin my morning then I read that the latest fashion for men, as sold by Selfridges is Mantyhose. Now if if you can't work it out Mantyhose is tights - for men. For the really discerning guy you can buy these for a mere £70 in a remarkable 120 denier in beige, black and charcoal. Fantastic. Blimey I know Bridget Jones knickers are a turn off for men but let me tell you the idea of pealing off some guy's Mantyhose in the heat of passion doesn't exactly thrill me either. However, Selfridge's Director of Menswear says of Mantyhose;
This winter the city's most stylish men will have a secret weapon hidden in their trousers
Well there you go. Not the kind of secret weapon I'm interested in but hey I guess there might be some guys who want to keep their nuts from freezing on a cold winter's morning.
Oh yeah...and another thought about that second picture -no one mention the Hitler Youth pleasssssse.