Hmm..where did I leave off? Oh yes, it was raining and my lips were rubbery. (Damn that Westlife poster!)
Well after visiting the Giant's Causeway and failing to find the Blarney Stone I sank into a severe depression until, by chance, I met a scantily dressed young man upon a slippery sidewalk who said to me in dark, mysterious tones;
"Mistress Turley, you must climb these mountainous steps and fight your way past the young Guardians until you reach a dark tunnel of hideous proportions. You must conquer your fears and enter it. You will be plunged into darkness and horror and you will see your life flash before you. But at the journey's end you will find a mystical pool where The Blarney Stone lies bathed in a wondrous green light!"
Following his advice, I trudged wearily up numerous flights of wet, slimy steps which had been smoothed by the passage of time. On my journey I encountered the scathing looks of pimply youths who nudged and winked and poured scorn upon me; what was a middle aged woman doing here amongst The Guardians? I met them with my steely stare! When they nudged me, I pushed back. When they jabbed; I pinched them. Mrs T, Housewife Extraordinaire, is not afraid to meet her fears!
(Unless it's a moth when I am overcome by sheer horror and can run faster than an Olympic athlete. Hmm - better make that a British Olympic athlete - I know my limitations.)
At last I came to the tunnel entrance. It was small and claustrophobic; an eerie red light flashed in it's depths. I sat cautiously down and then, believing my search may soon be over, I propelled myself (using the full force of my bottom which is quite considerable) at a tremendous speed down the tunnel. I screamed and screamed....
My breath was torn from my body as it flew at speeds of over 40mph through winding passages covered with cold dripping water like ancient tombs of the dead until finally I could see daylight... I emerged breathless and battered, dizzy and dazed, into a cascade of water where I whirled around and around until, at last, I plunged into a deep emerald pool.
But there was no Blarney Stone to be found! I could see nothing; I searched and searched; my hands reached out exploring the cool depths. But there was nothing... all I could hear was the wicked, evil laughter of a distant Guardian; I had been tricked!
I jumped from the pool liked a delicate nimble frog. (Well...almost.) Where was that Guardian? I would poke him with my chopsticks, batter him with my rolling pin and then subject him to a week's worth of my cooking. A liar must be punished and punished severely! But alas, he was not to be found!
I looked around me and this is what I saw;
I had been fooled! My quest for The Blarney Stone would have to continue....
Copyright Jane Turley 2008
Ps - It was the blue tunnel; the green one was for the feint-hearted!