*Ding dong* the doorbell chimes, and Mrs T excitedly walks to the door.
“Oh Pierce. It is you! I always knew this moment would come!” Mrs T croons.
“Jane, my love, can I come in?” Pierce smoothly replies. His eyes smouldering with passion.
“Of course Pierce. Please. Come in.” Mrs T replies. Her nightrobe falling slightly open to reveal her tazmanian devil nightie, with stains of a Cadbury caramel bar.
“Oh, do excuse the stain!” Mrs T says, as she starts to suck on the chocolatey goodness stain.
"GO! GO! G O! Hold her down. No, harder. She is escaping! Come on...just a second more. OK, I got the sleeves around the back and the straps done up. That’s it. Take her away!"
*cue face peeled off a’la mission impossible styleeee*
Ahaaaaa! It is I. Master Sy. It is time to end this insanity of Mrs T’s.
Dear readers, after several “dodgy” posts, Mrs T has been replaced. As you read this, chocolate is being dangled in front of her eyes, and every time she goes for it, the straight jacket gets tightened a little more. Her face currently has the look of a constipated blueberry, such is the force at which she is going for the chocolate.
For a few months, I have been watching her behaviour, and it is obvious there are a few delusions occurring on a postly basis. Therefore, it is time to sort out a few bits.
*WATCH HER...SHE IS CHEWING THROUGH THE RESTRAINTS!*
My apology loyal readers, she is trying her best to get to the value own brand chocolate we are teasing her with.
Let me introduce myself. My name is Master Sy. I am not a housewife extraordinaire as the blog title suggests. In fact, I am not even a housewife. I am just a man. A man of extraordinaire proportions. Call me “The man”. Or “The Legend”. Hell, you can even call me Delilah. Either way, this is my post now. The king is dead. Long live the king. Well, I guess queen, but you know, the connotations of writing are just too many. Calling myself a queen...well...yeah.
Now. The reason for this takeover is two fold. The first is Mrs T’s infatuation with Mr Brosnan. The second is because I can, and because after I realised there were 2 folds after I folded the paper to put it in my pocket.
So I have arranged to interview them both. Get to the bottom of all the shenanigans. It seems to me to be the only way to get this sorted once and for all.
Master Sy: Tell me Mrs T. What is it all about? Hey? Why Pierce? Why a man with a name like the bad side of visit to the Dr’s for an injection?
Mrs T: Chocolate...Give. Me. CHOCOLATE. NOW!
Master Sy: Holy hell. She is spitting weird green stuff and her head is starting to turn all the way round.
Mrs T: GIVE IT TO ME YOU WEAK MORTAL! I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE A FLY!
Master Sy: Ooohhhhkaaaay then. Guys...move the chocolate another 5cm away from her. Now. Mrs T. Answer me, or else. Why Needle Boy?
Mrs T: I hate you and everything you stand for!
Master Sy: I love you too poppy. But come on. Answer the question.
Mrs T: Fine. He is adorable, and he WILL give me more children. Mrs T needs to copulate and grow. My inner being is calling out for him. For him to fertilise me like an old pile of vegetables. The master race of Brosna-beings will take over the world and do my bidding. Cadburys and Nestle will be under my control. Chocolate will become more valuable then gold, oil and BOGOF offers for anti-perspirant in the warm season all put together. The French will want to be like me. The Iranian government will want to partnership with me. THE WORLD WILL TASTE MY SWEET TASTING GOODS!
Master Sy: *snicker* Taste your sweet tasting goods? Are you planning on selling chocolate or pornography?
Mrs T: Do not mock me mortal. I will come for you.
Master Sy: Riiiiiight. OK, well, thanks for making absolutely no sense at all. Here, have a mouthful of sugar free diabetic chocolate!
Mrs T: AAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Master Sy:Watch out lads, I think she is gonna blow! Now. On to Mr Brosnan. The man behind Mrs T’s infatuation. Mr Brosnan. How do you feel about all of what you just saw?
Mr B: Blibble flip poop stump gorby munching tea pot. My name's Pierce and I have big ears! Wooooooo!!!!!
Well, I don’t know about you readers, but I think they should get together! Now. Please be kind enough to leave a comment letting me know if you would like the restraints taken off of Mrs T, or if you would like her kept in stasis for a while.
Thank you for your time.