Thursday, July 17, 2008

Mrs T is back with a load of gibberish..

The last week has not been one of my best. The bad news of my last post set me off on one of my rollercoaster emotional periods which for Mrs T is like having laboured over the preparation of the most exquisite meal I have ever attempted (home made sausages rather than the shop bought ones) and then to drop the lot just as I’m about to serve it up to an eagerly awaiting Mr Brosnan. Not good! To top it off this week I had my first proper interview for a job for about 12 or 13 years which induced some mixed feelings. (These are the same mixed feelings that I normally reserve for viewing Sylvester Stallone movies; i.e. boy is his body hot but he just can’t act….)

To continue… Surprisingly, I was not particularly nervous about this interview because I knew I could do the job and do it very well and also I’m one of those people who enjoy challenging situations; yep I was one of those weird breed of people who actually revelled in doing exams at school. (Obviously, not maths as you would have to be really, really weird to enjoy maths.) But unfortunately, Mrs T who is normally good at concocting ludicrous waffle required at such times had a frozen brain cell moment during the interview when asked what her personal weaknesses were and as a result did not get the job. Was I disappointed? Well, yes and no. Yes, because I don’t like to fail at things - except cooking and cleaning where it is my moral duty to fail in the quest for female emancipation. (i.e. to fight for freedom from checked pinafores, shiny work surfaces and those small useless gadgets that serve no purpose whatsoever.)

(Also, it is my right, indeed my honour, to fail miserably at household tasks, especially cooking, because they are exceeeeeeeedingly borrrrrrring which is why I’m working on the design of a new stove which will revolutionize the life of suppressed housewives the world over and which I shall market as “Mrs T’s Thermo- Nuclear Cooker - A one step method to producing hot meals(and frying your husband) in less than 30 seconds.)

Now in preparation for the grilling I was to receive at the interview I had prepared some thoughtful and perceptive statements about myself for the interview panel which for some inexplicable reasons did not go down well. Here they are;

1. I am a former Miss World and have devoted my entire life to world peace. I believe in for the right for all women to have unnecessary surgical implants at the taxpayer’s expense and the right to produce their own range of designer swimwear constructed out of 2 handkerchiefs and a shoelace.

2. I was a child genius. (Unfortunately I grew up to be an idiot; this was due to a diet of Norman Wisdom films, bubblegum and the unfortunately switching the television on during an episode of the Jerry Springer Show thereby sending me into a life of complete stupidity and blatant overeating.)

3. I have 3 cats. (Theory; showing you are an animal lover induces a picture of a caring, nurturing person which is excellent. The cats also keep me cosy and warm; along with the other 98 it took to make the coat.)

4. I am excellent driver and will definitely not reverse over any small people or animals in the school car park. (Unless they get in my way.)

5. I will do anything to get this job; including handing in my Uzi at the police station, dancing to the soundtrack of Flashdance in the school canteen whilst eating lumpy semolina and finally, declaring to the world that I believe Gordon Brown is a financial genius.

Honesty, I feel, is always the best policy. However, strangely enough my honesty did not appear to be appreciated. Hmm... why ever not? Anyhow, back to my personal weaknesses which in the feedback I was told I had not embellished upon enough and appeared “defensive”. Now, after several conversations with friends I realise that I should have found a weakness and put a positive spin on it. For example, that I like chocolate too much which makes me fat but the resulting demand for the production of cocoa beans keeps thousands in employment all over the world! You see what I mean? Eating chocolate is a positive! Anyhow, at the time all I could think of was my genuine personal weaknesses and frankly since I wasn’t in a therapy session I had no wish to discuss them with complete strangers. Lack of experience in interview techniques after such a long break, I suppose. Ah well.

Anyway, I thought as it’s possible I might be asked this question again at some future point I’d just list my faults and weaknesses and any prospective employer can just take a peek at my blog and satisfy their curiosity! So here we go;


1. I fantasize about making love to Pierce Brosnan in a vat of custard. (NB; this is cold ready-made custard. My own custard, which is heated to boiling point, may scald him in his vital places which would be catastrophic. It is also very lumpy and not easy to digest which might affect Pierce’s staying power.)

2. I frequently conduct inane and totally pointless scientific research using search engines. For example, I recently researched “Men’s butts” (Well specifically Kevin Costner’s butt) and came up with this rather interesting video which in the name of science I have studied with due care and attention.












Ladies, I think you’ll agree with me that my research sometimes proves (um, cough, cough) somewhat “fruitful”. And Gentlemen, if you have a butt like Kevin Costner please leave me your details. (Photographic evidence required.)

3. I have penchants for chocolate and cream cakes (useful for weight gain if you get a part as a normal person in a Hollywood movie), small furry animals (useful for mittens), action movies, (useful for foreplay) and Leslie Nielson. (Don’t ask.)

4. I fantasize about getting a job which requires me to do no work whatsoever for an extortionate amount of money for a handsome (and single) wealthy employer. Whoops, sorry...wrong draft there... I fantasize about getting a job which requires me to work exceptionally hard (probably in IT) for very little money but nevertheless feeling deeply fulfilled for a bearded and annoying employer. (Richard Branson.)

5. I fantasize about writing a novel called “North or South; if only I knew what direction I was going.” The blurb on the back cover would be written by Paul Burman and read as follows “This is the biggest load of utter gibberish I have ever read, deserving of a kick up the arse and an award for sheer and utter stupidity; an instant bestseller.”

6. I have a fetish for Magnums (and yes that is a piccy of a Magnum .44 even though it says Colt in the corner) thus I fantasize that I will duel over Pierce Brosnan with Usha. Usha’s weapon of choice will be also be a Magnum. Unfortunately it’s a Magn
um lolly. Therefore I WILL WIN. I will not gloat that I have won because I think it’s mean to do that when you’ve won. If someone has lost and you’ve won it’s really not nice to keep rubbing it in over and over and over again that you’ve won. I’m just too nice a person to mention the fact that I’d won and won easily.

7. I fantasize about a Hamster called Sy. Well about torturing him really and keeping him in a small claustrophobic cage where he must use his tiny pathetic feet to spin his cheap plastic wheel. The electricity generated will power my electric toothbrush. (He’s so weak and feeble it’s untrue.)

8. I have a weakness for Mrs A’s chocolates. This does not help me in my quest to prove I am academically superior to her because as soon as she gives me her chocolates I am at her mercy. Damn.

9. Men with clean ties really do it for me. I mean there’s nothing worse than a man with a tie with a load of custard on it is there? (Unless it’s Pierce Brosnan’s tie when that is perfectly acceptable.) Men with dirty ties need a spanking.(And some soap flakes.)

10. I have some bad habits. That was when I was a nun but now I’m a “normal” member of society I disguise them by wearing a white sheet over the top and pretending I am an angel.

11. I have an overactive imagination.

Is it any wonder I didn’t get the job?

Oh yes, and if anyone wants to employ me please do leave a comment.


Copyright Jane Turley 2008

19 comments:

  1. It's obvious that said employers-who-should-have-been don't know what they have lost!!! Btw, so glad you were able to get out of the straight jacket and away from Mr. Sy and his torturing.

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  2. Yes, I believe gibberish is the word when you use the words like "Well about torturing him really and keeping him in a small claustrophobic cage". You know I will never fit in a "small" cage. My ego alone wont fit in there! But I am honoured that I seem to be the only one you want to hurt. Luckily my feelings are inpenetrable, and my fists are riteous weapons of justice. I will be just fine.

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  3. I see they are still advertising for topless presenters on Babe World TV though...

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  4. Ah thank you Sue, damn those potential employers; I must strive for bigger and better things as a result! (Well bigger and better chocolate bars anyway - a gal's gotta have some solace.)

    I haven't escaped yet... I'm just writing with my toes. That evil Master Sy is so inhumane! But he is not clever enough; he may have confiscated my nail polish and my wrist watch but he has not yet detected the escape kit consisting of nailfile, nail clippers, a false passport and knuckle dusters which I hide in my granny knickers...there is no way he will find them there! (They are pretty cavernous)so soon when he is least expecting it I will make my bid for freedom....

    Yeah, I saw that one Mrs A. What do you think my chances are?

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  5. well I would employ you any day Mrs T just for the sheer pleasure of listening to you take off on Pierce Brosnan . BTW where was Mr Costner's butt? I watched that damned video twice !

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  6. Ah Mrs G..regrettably my search for Mr Costner's butt (as in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves) proved fruitless. (Oh the frustration!!) So I had to make do with that one instead! Damn the inconvienance..how will I complete my thesis "Men's butts and how to oggle them at a safe distance." Hmm..it's a diffcult one....

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  7. Would much prefer your answers to the usual one: "My weakness is that I'm a perfectionist and I always put too many hours into my job and just don't know when to stop..."

    The line about the magnum should definitely help you get any job, I think. Especially if you were able to pull a loaded .44 out of your briefcase to prove the point.

    That failing, your wild imagination and penchant for gibberish (to say nothing of performing strange acts with chocolate and custard) should see you placed as an ideal recruit for any political party you care to name---or as a spin doctor at least. You've got my vote.

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  8. Too much chocolate is bad for the brain , so research says . What you can do is invest in a pair of reflector glares and do the needful . However you do need to do a spot of research on strategic sites for butt ogling!
    Meanwhile go easy on the chocs and concentrate on greens instead

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  9. Paul beat me to it!! That is the PERFECT answer. However, one must deliver it with a small, self-deprecating smile whilst looking humbly downward.

    Of course, I haven't worked in ten months, so I'm no one to give advice. Even though coaching people on how to get jobs IS my job!! Maybe it's time for a career change?

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  10. Babe World TV? Does that channel even exist? That ad. has been running for 3 weeks now and, frankly, I'm suspicious.

    What's to stop you, Mrs T, advertising for a Pierce look-alike? Might be fun interviewing! Just a thought.

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  11. Good luck on the job interviews. I enjoy them very much (an odd fetish I have to enjoy the thrill of interrogation and introspection) - and funny that you mention your predicament, I just posted a blog about reasons why we should or should not follow business etiquette.

    Of course, when Pierce Brosnan and custard is involved, I don't think any etiquette would matter at all.

    As for Kevin Costner's butt, sorry to break it to you, Mrs. T - such 'fine imagery' is quite outdated... decades outdated. Imagine how he and his assets have withered away due to age. *gasp* Blasphemy, I know.

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  12. Okay... You win! I think you know what I mean.

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  13. Good morning/evening PB (which ever it is when you read this!

    Hmmm...I agree with you the Magnum is a bit of a winner and of course so handy for classroom discipline too...

    I also agree I am an ideal candidate for a political party! Absolutely! I would sort out this country's problems in no time at all. ( Especially with the use of my Magnum.) I mean all leadership requires is a little bit of imagination and some common sense! However, I am not looking forward to a severe blue suit....and quoting poetry? Hmm..I'll have to settle for Humpty Dumpty...

    Mrs G, you sound like you are familiar with those strategic sites. Please leave me a private message on BC.. we don't want them being overscribed and then not being able to view at our leisure!

    Marie, welcome back!
    Hmm.. a small self depreciating smile. Yes, sounds good! However, I am worried it may look like I have constipation instead.Could be a tad embarrassing!

    Now 10 months Marie is nothing at all! If you want a job I am sure one will come your way soon enough. Ironically, teaching was meant to be a career change (I previously worked in retail management (It's a long story - I always planned on going into the theatre) But I've realised that the training I have to do for it (I've already done - a 30pt degree module in maths and a heavyweight literacy course) are VERY time consuming and not compatible with my giving my children the attention I want to give them. I would still have to do a post grad certificate of education and a further literacy course. Tough. The idea was to teach adults but when this job came up covering teacher absences it seemed a role which in effect which would be doing what I wanted to do without the extra courses and training and all that lesson planning. I guess I'm kinda mad because neither of the courses I've done and the further literacy course have any bearing on my capability to the job; in the UK it is all about ticking boxes now.
    Anyhow I've decided to concentrate on my writing for a while, finish my book which I have done very little on this year and see what the future holds...

    Ford Focus M, Good morning! Interviewing for a Pierce lookalike? Hmmm.. a casting couch? Sounds very good idea indeed. Would you care to join me? I may need a second opinion!

    I enquired about the topless TV presenter; alas the weren't to impressed with my other attire. Maybe I should have gone without the yellow rubber gloves? But you know I thought they were kinda kinky....

    Ah Mewie.. I shall be over to read that post later. I know I'm not up to date with current practices but you know I'm not sure if I want to be either... a lot has happened in business since I left...And I'm so unpc ANY job that requires me to open my mouth could be a problem! (Unless it's an official choclate taster...)

    Mr I...I win?? Oh goody, goody! I LOVE winning! Now what next? A three legged race or one of those Master Chef competitions?? (Hmm..on reflection you might win that one..let's go for egg and spoon instead!)

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  14. My hinder looks like KC's and I do not really want to blow up your kitchen. (ie Intrepid Ideas)

    Funny!

    Stop over some time .... I live in Hollydale (next to the A&P)

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  15. Make that four weeks, I just checked. They didn't say 'previous applicants need not reapply'!

    Casting couch? Ooh yes! I'd be up for the Matt Damon look-alike, though, obviously, the real thing would be better. Don't want much, do I?

    Of course I'll help out as the 'second opinion'. That would spice up the school hols. no end.

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  16. Ah Speedy.. was that a KFC you meant? Do you mean your butt looks like a shrivelled chicken drumstick? Hmm, not an appetising thought! However a trip to the USA sounds promising..although with a nickname like "Speedy" it could prove a disappointment....

    FFM, ah yes the delights of the school hols! I love not doing the school run but then there's all that other stuff..... still the G&T I'm consuming at the moment is doing wonders for my sanity.....

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  17. Alas , Mrs T , wishful thinking only ..sigh

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  18. Saw your avatar pop up on a discussion on BC and thought, hey, I'll click that and find my way here. Thank you for some much-needed laughing this afternoon. :)

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  19. Mrs G..Think Big, Think Big!
    (Unfortunately I also see big - it's a real problem having too many mirrors.)

    Hi Mark, Lovely to see you here!

    I'm a firm believer that laughter is the best medicine; I always tell Mr T a joke when he's having his dinner - it dulls the pain.

    The trouble is I'm never quite sure if he's laughing or choking....

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I am always delighted to receive comments!