Let me explain.
Firstly, for those of you lucky people who don't have teenagers I need to point out a few things about the said species;
1. Teenagers are weird. They don't wash for years and then wonder why they look like they have the plague. Then, all of a sudden, when you've finally given up lecturing them on the art of cleanliness they start showering every single day, draining every last drop of hot water out of the system so you have no option but to take a freezing cold shower - or end up not washing like a teenager. (Oh - the fact that they have spots is ALL YOUR FAULT because they inherited your genes - it absolutely has nothing to do with the fact that their face hasn't seen soap and water since you stopped bathing them when they were 7.)
2. Teenagers talk in funny voices. Well....grunts actually. It sounds like a cross between a mating rhino and one of those snorts elderly MPs make when they drop off to sleep in the House of Lords. A conversation might go like this;
Mrs T: Can you tidy your room Sam? It's looks like it's been hit by a grenade.
Mrs T; Tidy your room please.
Sam: UHhhhhh yrrrrrr...Snort......Uhhu ummmmmmmmmmmmmHh!
Mrs T: I beg your pardon?
Sam: UHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! UMMMMM!
Mrs T; Wait a minute Sam, I'm just getting my Collins Dictionary of Snorts and Grunts out. Right, let me see.... UHHHHHHHHHH!!!UMMMMM! Right, I've translated that - I'll bring the vacuum cleaner up straight away.
Right, so basically what I'm saying is that they talk incoherent gibberish.
3. Teenagers develop strange eating habits. Sometimes they don't eat ALL DAY and then at 9pm they come out of hibernation and demand food;
It's 9pm and Young Sam enters the lounge;
Sam; Have you got anything to eat? (I'm translating this obviously.)
Mrs T: Yes thank you. (Tucking into Chilli Doritos)
Sam: I meant for me! (Again, I'm translating.)
Mrs T: Oh right. Well your tea is in the bin. Your lunch is in the cat bowl and I ate your breakfast. Work it out.
Sam: Haven't you got anything?
Mrs T: You'll have to have a look in the pantry. I'm too busy eating my Chilli Doritos. And how very tasty they are too.
4. Most teenagers won't have their haircut until you assure them that there is actually a family of blackbirds residing amongst the congealed mess that purports to be their hair. ( Note; have the dead bird that the cat brought in at hand to produce as evidence.)
5. Teenagers keep strange hours. When you get up, they go to bed. When you go to bed, they put on the CD player, PlayStation or, in my case, the dreaded XBOX 360.
Yes, for years readers I have been persecuted by Young Sam and his XBOX. However, eventually after various sojourns to his room in the early hours with polite requests (cough, cough) to turn the volume down he finally got the message that rapid machine gunfire and exploding nuclear bombs wasn't helping my insomnia. However, this still left me with the occasional disruption such as;
a) The sudden movement of furniture and occasional banging - caused by Young Sam leaping to his feet and knocking over all nearby furniture in frenzied excitement.
b) Being woken at 2am, 3am, 4am and sometimes even 5am by shouts of ; "He's behind you!", "I've got him by the balls!", "One more time my friend and I'm gonna kick your ass!" and "Holy shit, that's a big gun."
c) Sam's midnight excursions to the loo. All the lights go on, he clumps downstairs from his bedroom (in loft)..clump, clump, clump......and..um... various other noises of which I'm sure you can imagine.
Suffice to say, my insomnia has not exactly benefited by the delights of Young Sam owning an Xbox.
However, Dear Readers last night at 2.14 am precisely I had the pleasure of receiving the following email from Young Sam;
do you know where i can buy earplugs? turns out we've got some inconsiderate pr*ck in our flat who has no idea that there are 10 other people in here,
people like to sleep, i mean you thought i was bad on the xbox, you know shouting n' all,
well this guy was doing the same, with mates he'd let into our flat, at 3am-6am on a Monday morning.
it looks like it might be a regular occurrence too given the time i'm sending this e-mail
although now i've said it some guy from security showed up and got em' to p*ss off so i suppose its not that bad
but still, any idea where i can find earplugs?
Now obviously Readers my first thought was to email him back about his appalling lack of grammar and virulent language. However, then I decided to that would be cruel of me because he was obviously, very, very tired and I have been very tired myself so I know sometimes we say things we shouldn't when we are tired. So I sent him this email instead;
Oh how delightful! Sweet vengeance be mine!
You can buy earplugs at Boots, Superdrug or any decent chemists Sam.
Okay - I admit I did delete the other 3 pages of gloating I wrote but I think you get the idea.
Hmm.... so university is proving to be an interesting experience for Young Master Sam.
I look forward to peace at last at night when he returns at Christmas.
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