I did something truly horrendous, painful even, early this morning. I actually clicked on an article on the Daily Mail about Kim Kardigan. I have successfully managed to avoid doing this for about two years but I've still managed to discover who Kim Cardigans is because she is mentioned just about everywhere. I think Kim does stuff in the US on telly, I don't think any of it is noteworthy but feel to correct me if I am wrong. I think it's the type of reality TV where, if British reality shows are anything to go by, the women wear skimpy clothes and have fake breasts and generally want a career as a porn star and the men are usually failed body builders, air stewards or ex boy band singers with identity crises. On British reality shows there's usually also the token gay or transsexual although I suspect that after the success of Fifty Shades of Grey the next series of Big Brother will also have someone heavily into BDSM. Let's just hope they cut straight to the juicy bits on the highlights because frankly I haven't got time to watch all that BDSM foreplay - you know greasing the whips, waxing the botty, shining the stirrups and buffing up all the silverware.
|Kim Kardigans not wearing a cardigan. Pity,|
there would have been a joke in there somewhere. Picture courtesy of the good gentlemen of Wikipedia.
There's a series of Celebrity Big Brother on in the UK at the moment. I popped in on some highlights the other day. It transpired I had no idea who some of the "celebrities" were except a mere handful: Coleen Nolan (oh come on - everyone remembers The Nolans!), Martin Kemp (Spandau Ballet), Julian Clary (comedian) Julie Goodyear (actress) and the one and only Daily Mail journalist, Miss Samantha Brick. If truth be known, I kinda popped in to see how beautiful Miss Brick was and see if she was going to be the contestant who set off fireworks with her opinionated comments. Alas, it was all very tame, Samantha was a quiet as a mouse (probably due to fact that there were younger, prettier women around) Martin Kemp didn't get out his guitar and Coleen Nolan didn't burst into song. So I switched off and did the ironing instead. It was more exciting watching the steam burst out of my iron, especially when a little genie popped out. Apparently, he'd been stuck in there for six whole weeks. I have no idea why.
|I think there maybe more Nolans than Kardigans. This CD cover only shows four of them. If you see a picture of the Nolans and The Cardigans side by side The Nolans will be the ones with their clothes on.|
Anyway, so back to Kim Kardignashire. I'm not quite sure but I believe there are lots of Kaardigan sisters/relatives. I'm actually a little confused about exactly how many there are as they seem to breed a lot. I think there's some called Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontails. The one thing in common is that they all seem to have big breasts and very little clothes. In fact, I was thinking of sending them my old clothes to stop them from getting chilled but then I realised my tops would be too small - so I rang up Katie Price who said she didn't have any big enough either. That kinda surprised me but, then again, I think Katie's been getting conservative lately. Anyway, because I like to recycle I thought I'd send my tops to Keira Knightly instead.
|Katie Price aka Jordan. I hear she's entering a nunnery soon. |
Picture courtesy of Wikipedia.
Yep so anyway, the eye catching title of this article at the Daily Mail about Kim Cardiieshan was "Time to work on that butt! Kim Lardigans heads to boot camp as she worries her curvy rear is too big."
Now my first thought that Kim ought to be worried more about the size of her brain which obviously needs a good workout and she should probably start out with a good dose of protein powder, a broccoli smoothie, fish oil and an evening spent doing The Times crossword. However, then I thought maybe I am being a tad cruel because, after all, Kim Kardicanshire is a multi millionaire and I'm not - so maybe she is doing something right. Maybe I should be following her example and heading off to the gym to shape up my equally big derrière in the hope that I get a photo shoot with a handbag designer or reality show entitled At Home with the Turleys. However, I'm going to think about it before I rush off to the gym as I don't like overcrowded spaces and I'm kinda worried there will be lots of young girls and women there also trying to do the same thing.We could all end up fighting over a contract for Pot Noodles.
|It would be a challenge to sell Pot Noddles seductively but with my arse I think I could overpower any other female rivals. Although I'm a bit worried Kim Kardigan might beat me to it if s he drapes noodles all over her chest. Unfortunately, the noodles would just drop straight off me and pool all over my feet.|