Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Ssh...I'm going to tell you a secret...(looks around furtively)...you mustn't tell anyone...but... I LOVE CHOCOLATE.


Yes, it’s 9 days since I gave up chocolate and the withdrawal symptoms are beginning to kick in. I’m feeling slightly crazed and like I could snap at any moment. (Although not without the use of a chainsaw to break through the first few layers of insulation.) I’ve sharpened the blades of my kitchen knives and I’ve started digging a new patio… ….because I’m a woman living on the edge…


I’m even dreaming about chocolate…

In fact do you remember the Milk Tray advert where the man dressed in black does daring deeds in order to place the box of chocolates on the woman’s pillow? Well I keep having similar dream versions of that; a gorgeous man, dressed in black leather sprints like a stallion across fields, leaps across roof tops until finally he stands poised on my balcony. I’m lying on my bed, hair tousled, lips moist, salivating at the thought of the delicious chocolate inside the box which glints enticingly in the moonlight. The mysterious man flings open the window… my heart is beating, my pulse racing… soon I will have a smooth milky chocolate in my mouth that I’m going to suck it really, really, slowly and then suddenly I’ll get to the nut inside and I’ll finish it with a big crunch…He walks silently across the room, there’s beads of perspiration on my brow, heat pulsating through my body; I’m feigning sleep but I can see the box of Milk Tray in his hand. He raises his hand to place it on my pillow… and…..and...

WHERE DID THAT BLOODY FOOTBALL COME FROM?

No! No! NO!

I wanted CHOCOLATE, not a football!

When will men understand women love chocolate NOT football. Yes we all know men are ruled by their balls but we women are far more sensible…. One of these days men will realise that chocolate is an aphrodisiac… no hang on they won’t… they’re still under the illusion that a bunch of flowers is the way to a gal’s heart. So if you’re a man reading this let me tell you a little secret that will improve your love life….

YOU CANNOT EAT A BUNCH OF FLOWERS (unless you’re a cow) BUT YOU CAN EAT CHOCOLATE!

Ok so you’re a man and you need a few tips to get into the knickers of one of the following…

a) The girl of your dreams.
b) Your girlfriend who keeps uttering “Oooh Pierce, Pierce, show me your gun,” every time she reluctantly agrees to make love with you. (Feeling a little deflated eh?)
c) The woman you no longer recognise as your wife ‘cos she’s gained 36pounds but you know duty calls… and the lights are off…
d) Shirley the Sheep.

You need to follow my Top Tips to Quick Fast Knicker Release…

1. You must arrive unexpectantly on the doorstep with a heart shaped box of the most exquisite chocolate, beautifully wrapped with a red ribbon. (NB You should still have your clothes on under your coat because you mustn’t appear to be presumptuous. Oh, and the chocolate MUST contain some nuts….

2. Now this doesn’t allow you immediate entry (to the house Silly Billy you’ve got to work harder yet…) but you’ve made a good start. Now you have to remember that women fall in love using their brains (that’s the space between their ears) whereas men fall in love using the bulge in their trousers…(that’s the space between their legs.. which can vary in size somewhat) Or if they’re in doubt they refer to their eyeballs. Soooo you must woo her with words of love and must not use inappropriate language… never say “tits” for example it’s common, derogatory and your woman will instantly think that your sole reading material is only accessible from the top shelf at the corner shop…

3. You open the box of chocolate for her, slowly opening the ribbon… and teasing the wrapper off… you ask which chocolate she wants… and then you feed it to her…slowly…luxuriously…

4. Yeah remember that? It’s called FOREPLAY. It’s what every woman wants... so if you want that woman get down to the chocolate counter now…

5. Ok... so now you need to build on the promising start…. Do I have to explain everything? Come on dozy! Use your imagination…because if you don’t you’re out mate and if you get it right…you’re in.


Now back to that dream… I put my hand out to push the ball away in despair…but the ball feels strangely warm and smooth….that can’t be right… Oh my God….

…It’s a giant chocolate football….. OOOOooo….


© Jane Turley 2008

3 comments:

  1. Why would an intelligent, witty, wise woman give up chocolate. Have you lost your mind. Is this your response to the economy. If you are trying to lose weight, give up carrots. If you want to cut down on caffeine cut down on the tea, anything but chocolate, you will be soooooo unhappy.

    There is a law against this in Britain , yes?

    Do we need to notify the choc police or what?

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  2. Well as my blog says I am "mad"; so occasionally I do "mad" things... trouble is my mental health only gets worse as a result! The truth is.. I do actually need to loose weight...without those magic knickers my tummy looks like a sack of potatoes and my derriere is on a par with a pantomime horse.
    Now don't tell anyone O but on Monday I had some Maltesers on the way back from the funeral... but I figure they don't count as they don't classify as pure chocolate....

    The only Police left in Britian are the Politically Correct Police... and there's a warrant out for my arrest....

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  3. Okay. so give up some potatoes instead of chocolate!

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