Always on my mind...

No not Nissan Micras. Although they have been featuring in some hideous nightmares I've been having lately about being trapped in one whilst a deranged man beats on the driver's window. I'm not sure about the significance of this is but you know it sure is spooky. Particularly when the man leans through the window and says " Hereeeeeee's Mr T ! "

Nope, Nissan Micras are not what has been on my mind - it's toilets. Yes, toilets. Yep, ever since Mrs D sent me that email I've been thinking about toilets. Maybe you fellas out there don't realise how much time us girls spend thinking about the bathroom, cleaning the bathroom, in the bathroom and indeed looking for the bathroom. Hell, I even dream about the bathroom! Hmm.. Okay... I admit I'm a bit screwy so maybe that's an exception to the norm. ( No comments please.)

Unfortunately, after you've had kids things aren't what they used to be despite all those pelvic floor exercises. Damn all that pushing and shoving during childbirth! After I endured a 2o hour labour with Master Benedict (which is pretty unfortunate for a third child) I was screaming;

" Just get him out! Out, out, out! Don't you know what this is doing to my bladder? Oh God, pleassssssee let him come out...........Pass me the forceps I'll do it myself...."

I'm not saying it was tight squeeze, but afterwards I walked like John Wayne for a month.

Yep, anyway you can "Squeeze, release, squeeze, release" as much as you like but after childbirth when you've gotta go, you've still gotta go. Am I right Ladies? No wonder celebrity mums just adopt or elect to have caesarean sections - they've probably been beaten up by some poor mum desperate to get to the front of the of the queue for The Ladies and have subsequently decided old age wearing incontinence knickers isn't the way to go....

Anyway, back to toilets. Well, after that news from Mrs D about not being able to flush loo roll down the toilet in Cyprus I went into full status Red Alert mode about the sewerage system in Cyprus. Oh my God, I thought, what if it the loos are so primitive in Cyprus that they are just a hole in the ground - like they have in France??

Okay, I haven't actually been to France. But according to my informers in the French provinces it can be a little "basic." (So no plans to go to France next year- obviously.) Anyway, "basic" is not good for me; I'm a high maintenance bathroom girl. I see a quality bathroom suite and not only do I feel relaxed and chilled I feel kinda .....

Umm.....yes....well back to toilets and Cyprus.

Well as you can imagine not having flown since 1973 I was a little bit nervous. However, it wasn't until our flight was called and we started to walk down the long corridor to our departure gate that I began to feel really apprehensive. My heart started to beat a little bit faster and I felt excited and frightened at the same time. I guess I've not done too many daring things in my rather ordinary life and, for most of you, I know flying is probably very mundane but for me it was whole new experience. The sensations were a bit similar to the feeling I used to get before taking exams -scary but irresistible.

I think, very possibly, I was the only one giggling (almost hysterically!) as we took off and gained altitude. Master Sam didn't seem too bothered, Master Jacob looked a little tearful (being a sensitive little soul) and Master Ben ( a super cool dude) just had that expression that said;

"Yeah, right. So what? When we gonna get engine failure so I can learn to sky dive?"

Well eventually, after we settled down at cruising altitude and I'd recovered my composure, I began to think about the really important issues. Like;

Where are the toilets?

Is the one at the front nearer than the one at the rear?

Will there be loo roll?

Will it flush?

Should I go before we land or try and hold it and risk wetting my knickers at customs?

Did I remember to put spare knickers in my hand luggage?

How many pairs?

Disposables??

Okay, the list could go on and on but after finally deciding I would break cover and make a dash to the loo another more important question popped into my mind...

How the hell does anyone "do it" in a plane loo???

Yes, you know what I mean; The Mile High Club.

Cos what I want to know is how the hell do you "do it" in one of those tiny loos they have on airplanes? And who would want to anyway? Because I just can't see the attraction of rumpy pumpy in a pokey little closet.

Well, not unless your name's Boris Becker.

Now correct me if I'm wrong - but is there anything attractive about the idea of cavorting in a cesspit with your nose pressed up a no smoking sign and your leg stuck down the u bend? I don't think so! Knowing my luck, if I tried it I'd probably end up with my knickers on my head and my arse stuck in the sink....

" Emergency, emergency. This is flight 101 from Gatwick to Pathos requesting an emergency landing at Frankfurt airport. We have a woman stuck in the sink and require immediate assistance."

"Confirm your altitude Flight 101."

" 29, 000 feet and losing altitude fast- the taps are on."

Yep, those loos are seriously small! Surely, surely, only midgets can make out in them? I guess, just for once, Tom Cruise has an advantage over Pierce Brosnan cos I reckon even I met Pierce with his flies undone on board a 747 I'd have second thoughts about dropping my knickers for him.

I would drop them for Tom though -but only if he needed a parachute.

I'm a generous gal in times of crisis.

Anyway, logic says you'd have to be truly overwhelmed with desire (or lacking in a sense of smell) to indulge in such activity.

You know - I'm thinking the airlines are missing a trick -since they appear to sell virtually everything on board a plane including raffle tickets, sandwiches, earphones, duty free and even train tickets why don't they just sell tickets for The House of Horrors and give everyone a guided tour of the loos? I mean everyone likes a good fright don't they? In fact they could recreate an airplane loo and stick in The London Dungeons. Now there's a money making idea.....

Oh well, this blog has gone on to long. And I haven't even mentioned the loos at Pathos airport!
Another day perhaps...

In the meantime, here's the comedian Lee Evans who also has something to say about on board loos. Enjoy!