But I do not always use them for what they are intended. Ho hum. Indeed they often serve many other darker purposes……For example….
Recently I discovered an amazing secret; it was possible someone I knew had the recipe for The One Chocolate. This is THE chocolate that all women desire; it is smooth and creamy on the outside and sensuous, rich and moist on the inside; it sends women absolutely crazzzyyy. Oh yes; it is soooo good it makes knickers drop and bra straps twwwang and it is mouth wateringly delicious.
The One Chocolate is both mystical and magical but… unfortunately it also possesses a magnetic evil force that draws all women to it; it seduces them and then controls them. It makes them lick their lips and salivate over the mere thought of it.
So armed with this information and along with my friend Mrs A, who manufactures her own delicious chocolates, and yearns for the recipe and Fordfocusmum, my compatriot at the school gates, I set about some “cleaning.” I thought I knew who had The One Chocolate; Speedcat Hollydale, the man who suggested I blow up my kitchen. But after hours of torturing him I have found out he is NOT the keeper of The One Chocolate; I was devastated.
Who has The One Chocolate recipe? I am now uncertain; somewhere there is a man who has the recipe and I, The Jackal, am determined to find out his identity!
Of course, it was immensely annoying and upsetting to find that Speedcat did not have the recipe but after his friend Mr Intrepid coughed up the ransom, I thought it best to let the poor bemused man go. He was a gibbering wreck by then anyway. And why was that?
Well… my brush, duster and scrubber are of the most unusual variety and hugely wicked instruments of vile torture for any man. No man can resist. I am now on the scent of the REAL keeper of the recipe for The One Chocolate and I fear that soon I will have to run my tickling brush up his back till he is squirming in sheer virtual delight, flick my duster enticingly over the soles of his feet, and run my spiky bottom scrubber over his buttocks until he can stand no more teasing and finally reveal his secret; The One Chocolate recipe.
In the meantime, whilst I’m dwelling on how to continue my investigations aka The Jackal, I just like to do a few links now that finally I’ve worked out how to do it… in my other persona as Mrs T, Housewife Extraordinaire.
Well I’ve met some very interesting folks all over the world during my short time in the blogosphere. Some of you I’ve called on frequently and some I’ve popped in from time to time. Out in the global community there are so many of you that have in some way satisfied my varied interests and my curiosity about how the rest of world thinks, feels and lives that I could spend all day reading. Unfortunately, with all my commitments it is just not possible for me to read or write as much as I would like. Boo hoo! (Note to self; buy more frozen dinners, 2 small strait jackets, a medium strait jacket and a large amount of beer sufficient to comatose Mr T on a Friday night.)
I had no idea how my blog would be received and to be honest I started it for my own need to express myself in writing and nothing else. So it’s been fun and satisfying discovering that many of you have appreciated my sense of humour which I know sometimes walks very close to the line. My humour, coupled with a mouth that speaks too soon and a hand that writes before my brain checks it out, can get me into trouble at times. So apologies to anyone if I have inadvertently offended!
Anyway, for a few minutes I just like to wander through some of the blogs that I’ve read and commented on in no particular order, except for Onedia who was my first friend here in the blogging world and through her many of you have come here to read my musings. Of course Onedia is also responsible for my new blog title of which so many of you participated in the colourful decision making process. Onedia has a great blog; what I like about it is that when I pop over there I never know what to expect; humour, politics, pictures or maybe even a philosophical post on love and friendship. She is never afraid to speak her mind and discuss issues. That’s great because from discussion comes knowledge and understanding.
Of course there’s also Master Sy who I need not dwell on too much as he frequently pops up in my posts and has an enormous reputation. (Well he keeps telling me it’s a big one but really I feel I need some genuine evidence as I reckon it isn’t as big as he would have me believe.) Anyway Master Sy and I well pretty much share the same ludicrous sense of British humour so needless to say I’m often over at his site reading what completely mad drivel he has written on a par with my own. His wife is expecting their first child so what can I say? Not only congrats but hell is that child going to have some fun growing up with a dad like Master Sy.
Then there’s also my other British gentlemen friend Dear Floogie who is taking time out to write for a while. Well, I’ve been thoroughly charmed by his multi faceted personality and I am inevitably amazed at his ability to expose his inner self in the remarkable story of his life. As a frustrated writer myself I feel a certain affinity with Dear Floogie but I know he has a heap more talent and honesty.
Then when I want to twist myself in knots I pop over to Tamera’s site. It’s a site that makes you think about aspects of your personality, emotions and relationships. Although I don’t always comment it’s certainly made me think a vast amount. I am constantly surprised at Tamera’s perception, knowledge and understanding of the human psyche. And she is younger and better looking than me. Damn it!
“It’s purgatory for you Mrs T and here’s the scrubbing brush, mangle and some white robes.”
Hmm, I fear I could be a long time scrubbing.
Now there’s also my friend Mark, “The Actor Extraordinaire” as I call him, who doesn’t write or comment as much as he would like because, and I’m sure he won’t mind me saying, he suffers from a long term health problem. Mark is probably the most well read and literate person I know and a man of immense depth. Read his post The Two Loves of my Life and you’ll see why. And if you ever have a question about books he’s the man to ask.
Now where would a gal like me be without a toyboy to boast her ego? Deeply depressed that’s what! Of course my toyboy is Mewie; a young man who has charm and honesty coupled with a sense of fun. He shares his thoughts in his blog Sharing Life on Life. What a great title… and it pretty much sums him up.
Now some of you might recall from the comments on a previous post that I am a miserable, pathetic artist who scraped a mediocre “C” at A level. So from time to time I like to drop in at Jaffabrit’s place and gaze at her art and read her posts. It satisfies the failed artist in me to gaze at Jaffabrits’s often varied and thoroughly unique work. I’m still waiting for her sculpture made out of jaffa cakes though!
Then there’s a trio of ladies I pop by from time to time who live in India. I realised when I read Usha’s post
Then there’s Mr Intrepid whose site has many differing posts including personal stories, film reviews, current affairs and a whole host of other varied offerings that reflect his widespread knowledge and experiences. Of course he tries to pass himself off as some executive but with all his posts about music I reckon he’s actually an old pop star. Possibly a New Romantic since he seems to have an unhealthy interest in bands of the 1980s. I suspect that he really wears one of those frilly shirts and possibly by the time he’s had his scrumptious cooked breakfast it is absolutely plastered in egg yolk and tomato ketchup. (I’m not saying he is partial to descriptions of yummy food and drink but since I’ve been reading his blog I’ve put on half stone just by reading.) What’s more I even started playing golf where in the past I would rather have a hole in the head then a hole in one.
I can’t mention everyone today but I’m going to end on Mark Stoneman who is a Historian. If you’re interested in history, politics and current affairs you should pop over for some intellectual debate. Lord! I can hear you say, why would Mrs T be interested in Mark’s site which is pretty academic and political?
Well…..just because I like waffling…...
I’ll let you into a little secret…..
Before I studied Silencers and Bomb disposal with the SAS and long before I studied Dishcloths and Cleaning Solutions, I also studied History and trod the hallowed halls of some ancient university. (Ok, it wasn’t Oxford or Cambridge but it sounded good!) Like Mark, I was particularly interested in German History (which also accounts for my unhealthy interest in boots.) Anyway, I didn’t end up specializing in German History.(Frankly, everyone was sick of me dressing up as Adolf Hitler and doing maniacal impressions so in a way I kinda sympathize with Prince Harry.) I decided to specialize in Bottoms instead. Yes, with My Professor, David Loades, I talked about big bottoms, small bottoms and bottoms that inevitably sink.
Oh, perhaps I should explain.. “Bottom” is a term that was used in Tudor times to refer to boats.
So I‘d just like to point out that;
1.Elizabeth I never married because she had more than one bottom (which is pretty unpleasant.) Further, when she was on her bottom it often got whipped up by the wind and gave her maidservants some very unpleasant experiences.
2.(Especially for Mr Intrepid ‘cos I’m sure he will remember this) It also means then Simon Le Bon from Duran Duran was trapped upside down in an air pocket in his own bottom. (That’ll teach him to sing so badly; luckily it was not caught by any Girls on Film otherwise his stud reputation would have ruined.)
5. A Titanic bottom is very dangerous; if you hit ice not only will you get piles you will not be able to float.
6. Vikings had bottoms. Which is just as well because they’d have looked pretty stupid sailing across the oceans in small silly hats with only two spiky horns to erect their sails on.
7. A small bottom which meets a big bottom can be very dangerous situation; a clash of bottoms can lead to soreness which can be pretty unpleasant and difficult to solve. Try spreading Sodocream cream over a 50 foot yacht and you’ll know what I mean.
9. I’d like a smaller bottom as my current bottom is way too heavy. While this means I look fairly prosperous it’s also means when I go sailing I might just keel over. Worse, you can never get bikinis to fit big bottoms without showing too much hull. (And if you’ve ever seen Vanessa Feltz in her bikini you’ll know exactly what I mean.)
I’d just like to end on a famous historical quote from Elizabeth I
“I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and bottom of a king, and of a king of England too; and think foul scorn that Parma or Spain, or any prince of Europe, should dare to invade the borders of my bottom.”
And that was why Elizabeth was named the Virgin Queen; she had a big arse.
Toodle pips for now.
(By the way I didn’t really deserve my degree as I was frequently distracted from my studies. Nevertheless I still passed; I expect it was something to with my bottom which was a heck of a lot smaller in those days.)
Copyright Jane Turley 2008